uncovered their Armenian heritage and

Journey To Armenia
By Maddie Dwortz
uncovered their Armenian heritage and
the grievous past that accompanies
From 1915 to 1923, in the midst
it. In their documentary Journey to
of the hype of World War I, the
Armenia, Abby narrates, “Growing
Turkish government tried to decimate
up in America, Armenia seemed so
the entire Armenian population under
the Ottoman Empire. Those who were far away, yet no matter where we
are, we’re always
not killed fled from
looking to connect
what is now Turkey
with the people
and Armenia. Many
who created us.”
of them came to
As a young
America, where they
girl, Abby
could have a new start
Alexanian had
in our melting pot
always considered
nation.
herself half
At the time,
American and half
the genocide
Armenian, but
was published in
she never knew
numerous American
exactly what
newspapers and
“being Armenian”
it was a highly
meant. Although
recognized issue;
her dad had grown
however, today the
up surrounded by
Armenian genocide
Photo Credit: Mr. Goff
Armenian culture, no
is less and less a topic
one in her family had ever discussed
of discussion, especially among those
the genocide. If the topic did come
whose ancestors had been victimized
up, it was spoken in Armenia or
by the event. This is not to say the
Turkish, and she was excluded
Armenians want to forget their past.
Behind the covers of American society from the conversation. Not only the
Alexanian’s, but many Armenians, are
and behind the sadness and the fear,
fearful of recollecting the genocide.
there is a desire to reconnect with
In 1939, when Adolf Hitler
Armenian roots.
ordered his military to invade Poland
Abby Alexanian and her father,
and massacre the Polish people, he
Nubar Alexanian, came to Pingree to
said, “Who still talks nowadays of the
share their experience of traveling to
extermination of the Armenians?”
Armenia, during which they bravely
Volume 5 Issue 1 February 1st 2013
the Euphrates River, a memorial for
The awful truth was, and still is,
twelve deceased Turkish government
that the Armenian genocide has been
officials stood where thousands of
kept quiet by the Turk government.
Armenians had been killed.
It has been covered up by denial,
At times it may have seemed as
nationalist propaganda, and a law
though the Armenian genocide had
against “denigrating Turkishness.”
never occurred, however, Abby and
This vague law has condoned the
her father did find that hospitable
prosecution of those who remember
Turkish and Kurdish people living in
and speak openly of the Armenian
small villages knew a great deal of
genocide. A well known example
what had happened to the Armenians.
is the Armenian editor of a popular
As Americans, we do not adhere
Turkish-Armenian newspaper, Hrant
to laws that restrict our freedom of
Dink, who was prosecuted three
speech. We have the right to explore
times for criticizing Turkey’s denial
and be open and proud of where we
of the Armenian genocide and was
assassinated by Turkish nationalists in come from. Abby’s decision to learn
more about her Armenian heritage
2007.
gave her a stronger sense of self and a
In their documentary, Abby
connection to the past. It is important
and Nubar Alexanian capture the
to know where you come from and
indubitable denial of the genocide
to appreciate
in Turkey.
who and what
They had
brought you
to keep the
to where you
purpose of
are today. You
their trip a
might even be
secret at the
surprised by
airport and
what you learn.
throughout
Abby
their journey
and Nubar
to avoid
Photo Credit: Mr. Goff
Alexanian’s
“denigrating
film Journey to Armenia is expected
Turkishness”, and when they stopped
to be released in 2015, marking 100
to visit places where Armenians had
years since the beginning of the
been killed, it was noticeable that
Armenian genocide.
they were only people there for that
reason. For example, at a stop along
Valentineʼs Day Recipes
Recipe from from http://tadkapasta.wordpress.com/2012/02/11/the-brownie-point-bonanza/
Chocolate Cookie Nutella Sandwiches
Makes 12
You’ll need:
1 Box Brownie Mix (We used Duncan Hines
Chewy Fudge Mix)
2 Eggs, at room temperature
1/3 Cup neutral tasting oil
3 Tablespoons water
1 Cup chocolate chips, optional
Creamy Nutella Filling (recipe follows)
Sprinkles, colored sugar or confectioners
sugar for decoration
Here’s how:
Prepare 2 large cookie sheets by lining with parchment paper. Draw 3" hearts
on the paper, about 2" apart. You will need 24 hearts, but you can bake them
in 2-3 batches. Mix all the ingredients except for the filling in a large bowl
and stir a few times until well mixed. The batter should be thick but loose
enough to be piped out. Transfer some of the batter to a piping bag with a large
opening. You do not need to use an icing tip. Pipe out the brownie batter in
heart shapes on the prepared cookie sheet. Dip your finger in a bowl of water
and pat down the hearts if needed. Bake for about 13 minutes or until set. Cool
for 2 minutes on the sheet and then carefully transfer to a cooling rack.
Nutella Filling:
1 Cup Nutella
¼ Cup unsalted butter, at room
temperature
2 Cups confectioners/icing sugar
1 Teaspoon pure vanilla extract
A pinch of salt
2-3 Tablespoons milk
Cream the Nutella and butter together using
an electric mixer, until fluffy. Beat in a cup
of the sugar. Add the vanilla and salt to the
bowl. Continue mixing in the rest of the
sugar, along with tablespoons of milk until
the filling is thick and creamy.
Once the cookies are cool, sandwich
the hearts together using dollops of the
Nutella filling. Dip the edges in sprinkles
or colored sugar, or dust daintily with
confectioners sugar. Enjoy!
page 1
Editorial
Lance Armstrong Confesses
A newspaper by and for the students of Pingree School
Editors
Staff Writers
Maddie Dwortz
Dylan Wack
Mariel Reilly
Calvin Gonzales
Joel Fernandez
Emily Corbin
Jack Patrican
Cam Knowles
Editorial Advisors
Karelyn Urina
Judy Klein
Nore Sullivan
Pingree Clubs
Asian American Footsteps
By Mr.Lee
Pingree will be hosting the 3rd
annual Asian American Footsteps
Conference on Sunday, April 14,
2013. It is a conference for high
school students in New England
and is open to any student who selfidentifies as Asian, Asian American,
or mixed heritage Asian. This year’s
theme is Community. See www.
asianamericanfootsteps.com for more
details.
The goals for the conference are to:
Inspire – provide interesting and
inspiring speakers and workshops
Educate – provide new information
and stimulating workshops
Connect – provide opportunities for
students from different schools to
share ideas and experiences
Affirm – the experiences of Asian,
Asian American and mixed-heritage
Asian students at our schools
The Keynote Speaker is William
Tong, the first Asian American elected
to the State Assembly in Connecticut.
Workshop topics include spoken
word, college, folk art dance, Asian
Americans in independent schools,
and social media.
Equal Opportunity
By Calvin Gonzalez
Equality: the state or quality of
being equal; correspondence in value,
rank or ability. In the United States,
students of ethnic backgrounds such as
African American or Hispanic are said
to have equal learning opportunities
that white American students have.
If that is true, then why are there so
many studies being done on how
white students, on average, score a
dozen or more points higher on tests?
A bigger punch to the gut is
realizing how long it has taken for the
government to do something. AfricanAmericans were granted citizenship in
1866 and Puerto Ricans in 1917; yet
it took until 2001 for the government
to attempt to solve the academic gap
in the classroom. The “No Child Left
Behind Act” was passed in 2001, and
signed into law by Bush in 2002. Its
goal was to have ALL students on
equal levels for math and reading by
2014. Although the government made
an attempt, it was a weak one at best.
The reality of it was brought to light
in 2010 when Joe Morton, Alabama
State Superintendent, said, “That
can’t happen. You have too many
variables and too many scenarios, and
everybody knows that would never
happen.”
President Obama is very adamant
about competing with other countries
on an academic level. But, there is
a saying that goes, “You are only
as strong as your weakest link.” In
this case the weakest links happen
to be a majority of the population.
If President Obama wants to even
consider competing with other
countries, he has to start helping out
the weaker students in the United
States instead of improving the
already well equipped students.
On January 17, about 28 million
people worldwide, including myself,
tuned in to watch Oprah’s interview
with Lance Armstrong, in which he
publicly admitted to having used EPO,
blood transfusions, and testosterone to
win _ of his Tour de France victories,
destroying his unmarred image as
a professional cyclist, CEO of a
company, father, humanitarian, and
cancer survivor.
He is the last person anyone
would want to have anything in
common with, and yet I could not help
but realize that we copy his mistake
almost every day. We lie.
If you exempt yourself from this
offense, think about the last time you
told a friend their mohawk looked
nice or the last time you faked bad
cell phone service when you don’t
want to talk to someone. These lies
seem harmless in comparison with
Lance Armstrong’s denial of using
performance enhancing drugs. His lies
were magnified by many factors that
made them more severe than those we
typically make. If we take away some
of these factors, however, we can try
to equate his lies with our own.
For one, Lance Armstrong was
the captain of the American Cycling
Team, and therefore, he set the
example for the rest of his teammates,
many of which have also been
accused of blood doping.
I recently read about a study
conducted at MIT, which revealed
that if one member of group violates
the rules, then the rest of the group
is likely to follow suit. In the study,
a classroom of college students took
a math test. When they finished, they
only had to tell the test administrator
how many questions they got right. In
one round of tests, an actor wearing
a University of Pittsburg sweatshirt
finished his test quickly and told
the administrator he had answered
everything. No other students in the
classroom were from the University
of Pittsburg and none of them cheated.
In the next round of tests, the actor
cheated again, but this time, he was
wearing a Carnegie Melon sweatshirt.
This time, some students cheated
and they were all from Carnegie
Melon. So what does this mean? That
Carnegie Melon students cheat? No!
This study substantiates the fact that
a confident member of a group can
influence the behavior of others in
his group. In this exact way, Lance
Armstrong had power over his fellow
riders.
google.com/images
In addition, Lance Armstrong’s lies
were encouraged by his intense drive
and desire to win, which blinded him
from seeing the consequences. Unlike
Lance, we tend to examine three key
components before we lie: what we
can gain from the lie, the probability
of being caught, and the consequences
if caught. This is why people tend to
lie about trivial things. For example,
you might not tell your parents that
you received an A on a test that you
actually received a B-, however, you
might exaggerate the B- to a B+.
This way, you have a smaller risk of
getting caught and you avoid severe
consequences. Lance only focused
on the first of the three principles.
He set himself up to lose his career,
his family, and his friendships, on a
huge lie with an extremely high risk
factor. How he ran a multi million
dollar business I will never know,
for it seems like he was completely
incompetent to this simple cost benefit
analysis.
There is no denying that fame and
the media worsened Armstrong’s lie.
His words and actions were constantly
recorded. A video was played during
his interview with Oprah, in which he
denies using performance enhancing
drugs after winning his seventh Tour
de France. There he was, watching
himself fervently deny the crimes he
had just admitted to.
Lance Armstrong was monitored
more closely than the average person,
however, we should also take caution
with our words. The internet and
cell phones have immortalized our
words, making it easier for us to get
caught up in our lies. The things we
say do not simply disappear like
they did before the invention of these
technologies. This is what changed
Lance Armstrong’s public image from
a hero to a villain.
- MD
new.standford.edu
page 2
Features
Get Ready, Set, Go to College
New Years Resolutions
By Maddie Dwortz
Juniors may have noticed that the
seniors have been especially tense
these past few weeks, and it’s not over
yet. Excited screams (and sobs) will
continue to be heard from the senior
area.
Students also may have wondered
how they are going to deal with the
pressures of college next year. At
Pingree, students are lucky to have
amazing and supportive college
counseling on campus to help them
through this tumultuous time. Still,
many kids who do not attend Pingree
do not have access to these resources
and Pingree students may need
help in trying to boost those SAT
scores. In response to these concerns,
Pingree is offering a summer college
program called “Get Ready, Set, Go
to College,” which will help students
start their college process over the
summer. It is open to both Pingree
rising juniors and seniors as well as
outside students who do not have
access to the comprehensive college
counseling that Pingree students do.
The program will consist of
four different courses taught by
professionals and designed to give
participants support in the college
process. They include: Writing an
Effective College Application Essay,
Developing Independent Study Skills
for College, Speaking Effectively in
Interviews, Classes, & Other College
Situations, and Strategies for
Beginning the College Process. There
will also be an SAT and ACT Prep
administered by Princeton Review. In
case the students are not the only ones
with anxiety over the coming year,
there will be an evening presentation
entitled, Letting Go: How, How Much,
and When given by Lisa Lewis, Ph.D.
from Tufts University Counseling
Center, designed to help parents with
their difficulties as well.
The program is optional, and one
course, Strategies for Beginning the
College the College Process, is not
recommended for Pingree students,
because the content will repeat what
students receive from their counselors.
Participants may pick and choose
from the offered courses and take as
many as they want.
Students can start to “Get Ready”
the week of the 24th of June. Classes
will run for four sessions and meet
once a week from 6 p.m. to 7:45 p.m.
This schedule enables participants to
maintain a job and go out and have
fun with their friends. After all, it is
still summer vacation.
The college process can be
fun, sometimes. Don’t hesitate to
start early and take off some of the
pressure.
By Mariel Reilly
The year 2012 has come and gone,
and it was certainly a monumental
one. The world changed before our
eyes. Tragedies struck, improvements
were made, but most importantly;
the Mayans were wrong. Although
the apocalypse didn’t happen, it may
have been a trying year for some, and
the prospect of 2013 is a clean slate
as of now. New Year’s resolutions
are a tradition that is, needless to say,
notoriously tacky. If you do insist on
making one, keep in mind that they’re
only as futile as the resolution-maker
is forgetful. Most of the resolutions
made on December 31 have been
completely disregarded if not
within the first week of January, then
by February 1 at the latest.
Without a party, New Year’s Eve
tends to be anticlimactic. You may
as well celebrate noon on a Tuesday.
Resolutions have acquired a similar
consensus. Also, aside from tattooing
it on your forearm, it’s easy to forget
important, personal commitments
when inevitable business ensues. So
why not leave the clichéd resolutions
behind, and progress each time we
find room for betterment? Instead
of taking just taking one day to be
introspective, resolve to take everyday
in the coming year as an opportunity
improve the quality of your life.
google.com/images
The Pingree New Columns
blogs.wm.com
Divergent Book Review
By Nora Sullivan
Divergent is the debut novel of
Veronica Roth, and personally one
of my favorite books of all time.
There I was sitting in my post Hunger
Games daze, blindly searching for
something to read, when I stumbled
upon Divergent. Divergent is the
perfect combination between action
adventure, mind games, and a
complex interesting dystopian setting.
Set in post-apocalyptic Chicago, the
story follows Beatrice Prior as she
leaves her home faction, Abnegation,
and her family to join Dauntless, the
group that values bravery over all
else. Divergent examines the cultural
differences between the different
groups, family, and the corruption
that has led each of the five different
faction away from their founding
ideals. The romance in this book
is neither an afterthought nor the
sole purpose of the book. All good
books have strong heroes, but in my
is holding an
google.com/images
opinion a great book has strong
villains too. Divergent is complete
with terrific bad guys, cold calculative
leaders and an arrogant sadistic peer.
If anything this book is exciting, with
strong characters, an original in-depth
dystopian world, and very 1984-esque
fear simulations. I wholeheartedly
recommend it.
OPEN CALL
for writers of all styles!
How do you become a writer for the
Columns?
Five Simple Steps:
1. Pick your topic.
2. Write about it.
3. E-mail it to [email protected]
4. Make corrections.
5. BECOME A PUBLISHED WRITER.
page 3
Environment Features
Make A Difference: Stop Oceanic Plastic Pollution
By Emily Corbin
While Massachusetts has made exceptional steps toward reducing the
bacteria and contamination in ocean waters due to sewage disposal methods, the
ocean is still affected by other kinds of human pollution, particularly by plastic.
While the ocean only surrounds a small coastal area of Massachusetts, it is
important for us to realize that even if there are no large gyres of concentrated
plastic on our coast, it is still our responsibility to prevent the plastic pollution
problem from expanding. These large gyres are created by ocean currents that
bring all of the plastic into one condensed area. For example, when someone on
Plum Island,, forgets their plastic water bottle on the beach, it’s possible that it
may be swept out to sea and ultimately end up in one of the gyres. Even more
unsettling than the large gyres on the surface of the ocean is the fact that more
than half of the thermoplastics sink in seawater, making the plastic pollution
problem much deeper than our eyes can see.[1] We are just as responsible
for the plastic in the ocean as anyone else, especially because the ocean does
not belong to one particular person or country. Everyone in the world has
equal responsibility to prevent plastic and other pollutants from invading and
degrading our oceanic ecosystems and species. And that is exactly what it is
doing. Sea creatures mistake plastic for food, and as a result, it is estimated that
“86% of turtle species, 43% of seabird species, and 44% of marine mammals
have plastic in their gut.”[2] Knowing that, the fact that our actions affect the
lives of so many other species is disheartening.
Let’s take a Loggerhead sea turtle that hatched off of the Florida coast as
an example. This turtle begins its migration, and is carried by the Gulf Stream
current toward the North Atlantic Gyre, a current system that flows in a circular
motion.[3] When it arrives, it follows the lead of most of the other Loggerhead
sea turtles and stays within this warm watered gyre for a number of years.
However, one of the five major plastic oceanic gyres happens to be in the North
Atlantic. Therefore, the turtle will encounter the garbage patch and most likely
become part of the large percentage of sea turtles that ingests plastic. The
plastic in the gyre ranges from microscopic pieces of plastic, to plastic bottles
and bags, to even larger plastics like traffic cones. This turtle will probably
continuously mistake the plastic for food, and ultimately die of starvation
because of its inability to digest the material.
Now let’s take that one Loggerhead turtle’s situation and expand it to the
entire species. Please keep in mind that the following numbers are estimates,
based on data gathered in 2004. Suppose there are about 44,000 nesting
Loggerhead turtles, and say each of these females lays 400 eggs total over a
time period of three years.[4] It is also estimated that only 1 in every 1,000 sea
turtles that hatches will survive.[5] That means, in three years, about 17,600
Loggerhead sea turtles will live. However with increasing pollution, oil spills,
plastic ingestion, and other human disturbances, this number will continue to
decrease. We humans are the cause of this decline, so it is our responsibility to
reverse it. Please, think about what you’ve left as you’re walking off the beach.
One person can make a difference.
Sea Turtle tangled in plastic bag.
google.com/images
[1] “Threat Four: Pollution,” Save Our Seas Foundation, 2012, 5 December 2012 <http://
saveourseas.com/threats/pollution#4>.
[2] “Threat Four: Pollution,” Save Our Seas Foundation, 2012, 5 December 2012 <http://
saveourseas.com/threats/pollution#4>.
[3] “Sea Turtle Migrations,” The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, 2012, 5 December
2012 <http://www.unc.edu/depts/oceanweb/turtles/migratoryroute.html>.
[4] “Species Fact Sheet: Loggerhead Sea Turtle,” Sea Turtle Conservancy, 2011, 5 December
2012 <http://www.conserveturtles.org/seaturtleinformation.php?page=loggerhead>.
[5] “Sea Turtles,” Broward.org, 5 December 2012, <http://www.broward.org/
NATURALRESOURCES/BEACHANDMARINE/Pages/seaturtles.aspx>.
Closing the Salem Power Plant Can Lead to a Future of Clean Energy
By Cam Knowles
Climate change may be the most important issue ever faced by the nations
of the world. Despite this enormous crisis, humans are not taking the drastic
steps needed to stop it. In order to stop an issue this large and to make drastic
changes, personal interest must be sacrificed and humans must be willing to
give something up. This all starts on a local level. If towns and counties focus
on lowering their own carbon footprint, economic protection will proceed in
a much more organized fashion. This sustainable behavior is contagious and
sends an important message that climate can not and will not be ignored.
Currently, there is a proposal for a wind turbine to be erected on Winter
Island in Salem. This wind turbine has been under debate, and the construction
of the windmill is being blocked.
Not only does this wind turbine
need to be put up for the clean
energy it would create, but also
for the tremendous ripple effect it
would have.
For almost 60 years a coal
fired power plant powered much
of Salem. In 2010 this coal plant
drew in protesters advocating
for the termination of the plant,
and even Mitt Romney, the past
governor of Massachusetts, said
it should be shut down. Salem
took its first step forward when
it reached an agreement to shut
down the plant 2014. Although,
this will make for a cleaner North
Shore, a source of clean energy is
needed to fill the vacant power left
from the plant.
mangonetworks.com
page 4
If the wind turbine were to be put up, 400 homes would receive power.
Ideally multiple wind turbines would be put up with the energy to power almost
all of the north shore.
Arguments against the wind turbine include Wind Turbine syndrome and
that it will bothersome to look at and hear. Wind Turbine Syndrome is not
recognized by any disease classification system and does not appear in the
United States National Library of Medicine’s PubMed database. As for having
to see the windmill on a daily basis, it perplexes me that someone would be
fine with seeing smoke rise from smokestacks and not a windmill. In addition,
there are no houses within 1400 feet of the windmill and you can only hear the
windmill inside 800 feet of its radius. However, the windmill only creates noise
when there is a lot of wind, and when it is windy out you will hear the wind, not
the windmill.
This windmill would be great for the North Shore and its movement to
clean energy. Ipswich has just finished building its second windmill due to its
satisfaction with the first one. Almost every clean energy project that is put into
debate ends up being successful and helpful for the neighboring communities.
google.com/images
Environment Features
Too Much Tuna
By Jack Patrican
A century ago, it was completely out of the question that the ocean would
run out of fish. The species that are now difficult to find would have been
practically jumping into the boat a hundred years ago. The vast sizes of fish
schools ensured that they would always be swimming in our oceans. Currently,
outdoorsmen and scientists laugh at the predicted immortality of certain
specimens; most importantly, the Bluefin tuna, ironically known to be dark-pink
gold. Just one fish can be sold at auction for up to $736,000 dollars. However,
they are gill netted, or entangled in the net, in a very dire predicament, which
threatens them, the economy, and an entire ecosystem. The same you can not
remove a piece of plumbing from your house and expect the toilet to flush, the
Bluefin can not be taken out of its ecosystem without a collapse that Earth isn’t
ready for.
Today, the Bluefin are aggressively overfished and are flirting with
extinction. Longlines, purse seines (a type of net), and ranching, just to name a
few, are decimating the worldwide population. Bluefin are an impressive species
that migrates 3,000 plus miles in some trips, is susceptible to poaching outside
of United States jurisdiction. Entire schools are lured and trapped into nets that
stretch hundreds of yards across. From there they are fattened and then poached
until every profitable fish is killed, letting the bycatch of perfectly delicious but
imperfect tuna sink to the ocean floor. The taking of the entire school must be
stopped and rod and reel fishing must be promoted in order to sustain this great
species. Because they are valuable to our ocean, sportsmen, local economy,
fishermen, small business’ etc., we need to protect our Bluefin to ensure that one
of the ocean’s last great predators can actually have a future.
Saving the Bluefin is not just one man’s work; it requires people everywhere
to raise awareness and choose what one eats carefully. Eating less Bluefin will
decrease the demand for it, which will increase the supply of the fish. High
prices have led to the overfishing of the species, so with less demand and lower
prices, the bounty on the Bluefin’s head will be greatly decreased. Awareness
must be raised in order to improve the regulations and to save the species. Local
to all of us living in Massachusetts, the Bluefin supports $4.4 billion dollars in
our states revenue while supplying over 80,000 jobs to residents. This is not
just a fish crisis but also an economic crisis. More importantly, we are saving
the majestic Bluefin tuna from further overfishing and eventually extinction, but
economic fall out is something to be considered as well. The Bluefins have long
been taken for granted and it is time to change that, because they will be missed
once they are gone .
google.com/images
Entertainment
The Most Wonderful Time of the Year Rap For His Father
By Dylan Wack
By Karelyn Urena
1. Santa is wanted by the Federal
Bureau of Investigation for extortion,
racketeering, murder, and three
unpaid parking tickets from 1997.
Hood kids
dance to their rhymes beneath burnt bridges in downtown Chicago.
Their verses flowing like rivers, dirty and thick.
2. The tradition of being kissed under
mistletoe was actually started by the
Celts, to make the single Celts feel
bad about themselves.
3. The single largest collection of
Menorahs is in Lima, Peru. Do with
this what you will.
4. The word “December” come from
a Nordic phrase. Roughly translated,
it means “spending time with those
you despise.”
5. The true meaning of the Holiday
Season is spending time with family,
friends, and loved ones. I’m joking, of
course, the real meaning is for there
to be a vacation in December.
6. The reason we cut down trees and
decorate them for a religious holiday
that has nothing to do with trees is
because humanity is made up of a
bunch of idiots.
7. If you celebrate the Winter
Solstice, the Queen of Denmark is
legally allowed to punch you in the
face.
8. For three weeks in 1978,
Hanukkah was that national bird of
Belize. Thank you, autocorrect.
9. Take out your calculator. Type in
your age. Next, multiply it by the date
of the first day of Kwanzaa this year.
You can’t do it, can you? What is
your problem? Just put the calculator
away, you’re embarrassing yourself.
10. The best way to express your
love to someone this holiday season
is more than likely smoke signals. Or
semaphore.
11. In Cyprus, instead of having
Santa Claus bring presents, the
children of the island nation simply
steal things from each other on
December 25th.
12. The most frequently played
holiday song this year is Bing
Crosby’s “Baby It’s Cold Outside.”
The second most frequently played:
“Where’s the Advil?” by anyone who
has ever hosted a holiday party ever.
13. The appropriate holiday greeting
agreed upon by international
leaders is officially “Merry
Interdonominational Midwinter
Holiday Celebration.”
Oppositions are like a stab in their rhythm.
Dry throats hang off these dark skinned lips as they wait their turn
to shake the earth.
Michael steps forward, holding his father’s soul in his hands.
teeth clenched
fists clasped
shoulders tilted towards God.
His piercing eyes scream
as they collide with his father’s aura.
The bridge trembles.
The Pingree New Columns is now
accepting creative writing!
It can be a poem, short story, essay,
anything you want to share!
Email to [email protected]
page 5
Features
Horoscopes
Horoscopes by Lulu Orne
Drawings by Lisa Truong
January 20-February 18
Please stop referring to yourself
as “The Dark Lord”, that position
has already been filled.
February 19-March 20
Please stop harassing Waffle
House employees, they already
have it bad enough.
May 21-June 20
June 21-July 22
I think it’s time to start breaking
some amish..
Your reoccurring stress dreams
of the resurrection of Whitney
Houston as the anti-christ are a
sign that you should lay off the
dairy.
September 23-October 22
Happy Festivus! Time to get your
aluminum pole out of the attic.
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October 23-November 21
Fear the wolfman.
March 21-April 19
Looking for a way to get some
ladies? Try a beard of bees.
July 23-August 22
Stop lending out your tooth brush
to strangers, das nasty.
November 22-December 21
Your love life is the most
disappointing thing since Ke$ha
announced her new single, “Bring
Your Infant to Da Club”.
April 20-May 20
Your Netflix addiction has overwhelmed your life, perhaps it’s
time to branch out.
August 23-September 22
It’s time to start bulking up on
astronaut ice cream and gatorade,
the apocalypse is growing closer.
December 22-January 19
You will meet the love of your
life at the midnight premier of
The Hobbit, unfortunately, his
name is Golem.