All Rights Reserved © 2014 TRICK QUESTION Each Sunday, the pastor would give the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church. On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly. "This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." No hands went up. "And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)..." The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. "And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)..." Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him. "Well," said the boy, "I know the answer is supposed to be Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!" PUBLISHED AND DISTRIBUTED WEEKLY BY PASSTIMES OF ARIZONA, LLC - [email protected] - 480.983.9143 MY CONCERN IS NOT WHETHER GOD IS ON OUR SIDE; MY GREATEST CONCERN IS TO BE ON GOD'S SIDE, FOR GOD IS ALWAYS RIGHT A. LINCOLN WHATTA I DO, DOC, WHATTA I DO? A man goes to see the counselor. Something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The counselor asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The counselor, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me and I don’t know what to do!" The counselor soothingly offers, "Relax. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the counselor calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. She told me her whole story. I was on the phone with her for over three hours. Do you still want my advice?" “Yes! replied the man. ”You’ve got to tell me what to do.” Without hesitation the counselor replied, "Take the poison”. SIGN AT A POPULAR FISHING/CAMPING SITE: Please do not throw your cigarette butts on the ground. The fish crawl up on the shore at night and smoke them. We are trying to help them quit. I MISS BEING THE AGE WHERE I THOUGHT I WOULD HAVE MY LIFE TOGETHER BY THE TIME I WAS THE AGE I AM NOW YOU CAN’T ALWAYS CONTROL WHO COMES INTO YOUR LIFE; BUT YOU CAN CONTROL WHICH WINDOW YOU THROW THEM OUT OF I WANT TIME TO SIT AND READ, TAKE A NAP AND SNACK. BASICALLY, I WANT TO BE IN KINDERGARTEN YOU MUST LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF - JESUS RAP IS LIKE SCISSORS; IT ALWAYS LOSES TO ROCK DUCT TAPE CAN'T FIX STUPID ... BUT IT CAN MUFFLE THE SOUND! I DON'T TRIP OVER THINGS, I DO RANDOM GRAVITY CHECKS RAISIN COOKIES THAT LOOK LIKE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES ARE THE MAIN REASON I HAVE TRUST ISSUES IT IS IN GIVING THAT WE RECEIVE OLD AGE IS COMING AT A REALLY BAD TIME! THE KILLER WHALE IS A NATURAL PREDATOR OF THE MOOSE. ALASKAN KILLER WHALES EAT DEER AND MOOSE SWIMMING BETWEEN ISLANDS TALK SLOW, TALK LOW AND DON’T SAY TOO MUCH - JOHN WAYNE YOU HAVE TO LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO WANT TO DO IT ONE STEP AT A TIME… TO BE OLD AND WISE YOU MUST FIRST BE YOUNG AND STUPID It’s time for those annual resolutions, again – dang it! Try as we might to squeeze good habits into our daily lives, we are looking for that magic wand to turn back the clock and turn up the energy level. We’re looking for magic. The reason it seems daunting is because we don’t make our resolutions attainable. We don’t decide to lose 5 pounds. We know we need to lose 30 so we make that our goal. The key here is to start with something you really want and/ then put a plan in place to make it happen. We need to focus on that one singular goal, so there’s not a lot of competition for our consistency and our commitment. My Mom moved into assisted living last March. She lasted a month before moving to the nursing center because she got shingles affecting her sciatic nerve and couldn’t walk for 6 months. It traumatized her and the rest of us. She lost her ability to independently care for herself. The thought of that kicked Mom in the pants and got her moving - slowly. However, day by day she took it one step at a time, and she did it! My Mom is 96 and obviously my hero! Moral of the story… It is NEVER too late to do something new or something hard! A journey begins with a single step. Make your goal realistic. Focus on one thing that is truly important to you and you will achieve it. Whether you start by walking to the mailbox or around the block, you do have the power to JUST DO IT. We do get a choice each and every day. Make those choices count. Use your time wisely, don’t waste it – it’s a gift! Elaine Poker-Yount is the Community Liaison for Visiting Angels East Valley. She can be reached at [email protected], or by calling 480-833-8247 WELL DONE IS BETTER THAN WELL SAID ENERGY AND PERSISTENCE CONQUER ALL THINGS WATER IS THE MOST ESSENTIAL ELEMENT OF LIFE, BECAUSE WITHOUT WATER, YOU CAN’T MAKE COFFEE Answers 1. One, the state of Washington 2. Honshu 3. Tax evasion 4. "The Princess Bride" 5. Dancing (c) 2014 King Features Synd., Inc. 6. "Hee Haw" 7. Carolus Linnaeus 8. Charles L. Dodgson 9. Type of grape 10. From the beginning FAILURE IS A BIG PART OF SUCCESS 1. U.S. PRESIDENTS: How many U.S. states are named after a president? 2. GEOGRAPHY: Which Japanese island is the home of Mount Fuji? 3. FAMOUS PEOPLE: What was gangster Al Capone convicted of, sending him to prison for 11 years? 4. MOVIES: What 1980s movie featured the lines, "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."? 5. PSYCHOLOGY: What would someone who suffered from chorophobia be afraid of? 6. TELEVISION: Which long-running country variety show featured a radio station named KORN? 7. SCIENCE: Who is known as the "father of taxonomy," a system of naming, ranking and classifying organisms? 8. LITERATURE: Who wrote under the pseudonym of Lewis Carroll? 9. FOOD & DRINK: What is a scuppernong? 10. MUSIC: What does the musical notation "da capo" mean? HAVE YOU EVER LOVED SOMEONE SO MUCH THAT YOU KEEP THEM HIDDEN FROM THE WORLD? WELL, APPARENTLY THAT’S KIDNAPPING BETTER TO FIGHT FOR SOMETHING THAN LIVE FOR NOTHING AW, I WAS JUST TEETHING Grandpa and Grandma were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "The good old days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?" Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and took her aged hand in his. With a wry little smile Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?" Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek. Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?" Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker, and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?" Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!" SILENCE IS ARGUMENT CARRIED OUT BY OTHER MEANS TOMORROW HOPES WE HAVE LEARNED SOMETHING FROM YESTERDAY I WENT ON YOUTUBE TO WATCH A QUICK MUSIC VIDEO. 5 HOURS LATER I FOUND MYSELF WATCHING A TUTORIAL ON HOW TO TALK TO A COW ANY FOOL CAN CRITICIZE AND COMPLAIN AND MOST FOOLS DO ¥ On Jan. 23, 1775, London merchants petition Parliament for relief from the financial hardship put upon them by the curtailment of trade with the North American colonies. Most critical to the merchants' concerns were the 2 million pounds sterling in outstanding debts owed to them. ¥ On Jan. 20, 1937, President Franklin D. Roosevelt is inaugurated for the second time as president. The Constitution had originally set March 4 as the presidential inauguration date to allow the winner time to travel to the nation's capital. ¥ On Jan. 25, 1949, the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences holds its first annual awards ceremony in Los Angeles. The nowfamous award statuette "Emmy" was a feminized version of "immy," the shorthand term for the image orthicon tube that was used in TV cameras until the 1960s. I DON’T THINK I COULD EVER STAB SOMEONE. LET’S BE HONEST. I CAN BARELY GET THE STRAW INTO THE CAPRI SUN ¥ On Jan. 19, 1915, during World War I, Britain suffers its first casualties from an air attack when two German zeppelins drop bombs on Great Yarmouth and King's Lynn on the east coast of England. ¥ On Jan. 24, 1956, Look magazine publishes the confessions of J.W. Milam and Roy Bryant, two white men from Mississippi who were acquitted in the 1955 kidnapping and murder of black teenager Emmett Till. In August 1955, on a visit to relatives, the 14-year-old Till had allegedly whistled at a white woman who ran a store. ¥ On Jan. 21, 1977, President Jimmy Carter grants an unconditional pardon to hundreds of thousands of men who evaded the draft during the Vietnam War. Some 100,000 young Americans went abroad, with 90 percent going to Canada. The Canadian government had instructed border guards not to ask too many questions. ¥ On Jan. 22, 1981, the final portrait of John Lennon and wife, Yoko, appears on the cover of Rolling Stone. The photo, taken 12 hours before Lennon was assassinated, shows a naked Lennon curled up in a fetal embrace with a fully clothed Yoko. Photographer Annie Liebowitz had been told by a Rolling Stone editor, "Please get me some pictures without [Yoko]." (c) 2015 King Features Synd., Inc. WHERE LIBERTY DWELLS, THERE IS MY COUNTRY IT IS NOT THE HEALTHY THAT NEED A DOCTOR BUT THE SICK - JESUS THE PATRIOT’S BLOOD IS THE SEED OF FREEDOM’S TREE YOU DO NOT REFORM THE WORLD BY IGNORING IT OPERATION GRATITUDE EXPANDS ITS REACH Operation Gratitude has branched out. Since 2003, it has sent more than 1.1 million care packages to military personnel overseas in harm's way. Now, in addition, OpGrat is sending care packages to recruits coming out of boot camp. You remember boot camp ... and what it was like to finally be finished. So far, the non-profit organization has sent nearly 17,000 packages to graduates of Navy and Marine Corps boot camps, and it will bring the Air Force and Army into the fold in 2015. Each box contains quality gifts and goodies, including snacks, hygiene products, drink mixes, books, CDs, DVDs and players, a "Loved One" medallion, survival bracelet, handmade scarves, hats ... and the much-appreciated cards and letters from children and adults all across the U.S. The goal to send packages to those coming out of boot camp is a worthy one, as it shows our appreciation to each of them and lets them know they're not alone. I know the holidays have many of us spread a little thin, but I'm asking you to open your wallets and send some money to Operation Gratitude, which gets no handouts from the government, not even the Post Office. It costs $15 to send each package. Volunteers recently got an emergency request for 4,000 packages for the Marine Corps Recruit Depot Parris Island graduating classes. Do the math: That's a lot of money for postage alone, and the annual goal is to send out 100,000 packages. For more information or to make a donation online, go to www.operationgratitude.com, or call the InfoLine at 1-800-6518031. Checks can go to Operation Gratitude, P.O. Box 260257, Encino, CA 91426-0257. For merchandise donations, carefully read the online wish list, as mailing addresses are different. Freddy Groves regrets that he cannot personally answer reader questions, but will incorporate them into his column whenever possible. Send email to [email protected] (c) 2015 King Features Synd., Inc. SCRIPTURE TELLS US THAT WE LACK THE CAPACITY TO GRASP GOD'S INFINITE MIND. HOW ARROGANT OF US TO THINK OTHERWISE. MORE PEOPLE ARE TROUBLED BY WHAT IS PLAIN IN SCRIPTURE THAN BY WHAT IS OBSCURE WHEN I DIE I WANT MY LAST WORDS TO BE, “I LEFT A MILLION DOLLARS IN THE…” ¥ Feminist and social activist Gloria Steinem made the following sage observation: "Logic is in the eye of the logician." ¥ Some historians claim that Moses had a stutter. BECOMING AN ADULT WAS THE DUMBEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE ¥ If you're like the average American, your vocabulary consists of roughly 45,000 words. ¥ Despite the sound of the word, those who suffer from amusia do not have any impairment of their sense of humor; rather, they're tone deaf -- medically unable to hear or accurately reproduce relative pitch. ¥ When the wildly successful 1965 film "The Sound of Music" was released in South Korea, one theater owner felt that the movie was too long. He took it upon himself to remedy the situation -- by cutting out all the musical numbers. ¥ If you're planning a trip to the Canadian province of New Brunswick, you might want to include a stop to see the Reversing Falls of St. John. While the St. John River flows into the Bay of Fundy at low tide, high tide in the bay is so extreme that it causes the water to reverse itself and flow from the bay back into the river. EVEN THE DEVIL CAN QUOTE SCRIPTURE ¥ It's been reported that famed chef Julia Child loved to eat corn chips with peanut butter. ¥ You might be surprised to learn that out of the 362 episodes of "Alfred Hitchcock Presents" that were produced over the course of a decade, Hitchcock himself directed only 20. ¥ Those who study such things say that the fastest-growing sport among high-school students in Minnesota is trap shooting. Thought for the Day: "These are bagpipes. I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made sound never equaled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig." - Alfred Hitchcock (c) 2015 King Features Synd., Inc.
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