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Page 7A • Wednesday, January 6, 2010 www.journalscene.com
Letters I’ll never send … 2
ICY MORNING
BY JULIE R. SMITH
E
ven my dearest friends say I’m
not real quick on the draw. I
never think of a comeback during any encounter, whether it leaves
me sputtering, laughing or crying.
Instead, I think it over for awhile and
then write letters in my head. Thus
today we have… More Letters I’ll
Never Send:
Dear Neighbor: How nice of you to
ask four people if I left my husband.
Actually, the luggage, clothes and
ugly bedspreads you saw me loading
in my car Tuesday went to Goodwill.
But really, thanks for the rumor.
Dear Church Lady: You’re always
there in the pew ahead, beautifully
dressed, a kind word for everyone, the
perfect lady. No one would ever know
the pain you’ve endured. I really, sincerely admire you. (And from the
back, your hair looks terrific!)
Dear Mother: It was wonderful
talking with you today, like old times.
You even knew who I was.
Dear Charlie Sheen: This is a family newspaper, so instead of using
ugly words, I’ll substitute a smiley
face, like this :].
Here’s the :] gist, Lover Boy. You
bring your :] game to South Carolina,
and the :] jig is up.
Maybe
in
California you :] get
away with beating
women, cheating on
your wives, whooping it up with call
girls,
boozing,
drugging, shooting
Kelly Preston in the
leg, leaving rehab and pulling a :]
knife on the wife who had your babies
five months ago.
Please come down here and try that
:], PLEASE! One of three things will
happen: The woman involved will
beat your :] in the middle of the road,
or her brother will beat your :] in the
middle of the road, or her daddy will
do the honors. If all else fails, Jenny
Sanford will drive in from Sullivan’s
Island and beat your :] in the middle
of the road. P.S. Used to like your TV
show, but now I think it’s :].
Dear Tyler Perry: I love you.
Would Madea adopt me?
Dear Any American in the Armed
Services: Thank you.
Dear Cesar Milan, aka the Dog
Whisperer: If more owners realized
the way to cure Killer’s bad habits
involves a simple rolled-up newspaper, boy, would you be out of a job.
Dear anyone who asks my opinion
on the schism in the Episcopal
Church: A) I’m not educated enough
to have one, and B) Can’t we all just
get along?
Dear Target: I found the brocade
pillows you overpriced at $18 each at
for 3 bucks at Goodwill… and they
look BRAND NEW!! Hahahaha! But
I still love your shoes.
Dear T-Bob: You really don’t have
to put the kids on the phone every
time I call. Really.
Dear David Pickles: Remember in
the eighth grade when I wouldn’t let
you copy off my English test and you
called me a dog? I forgive you. But it
took 36 years.
Dear Mr. Po-Po: First of all, I totally respect you and your job. Secondly,
would you mind not pulling people
over in my driveway every night? The
neighbors are starting to talk.
Dear Convenience Store Clerk: I
realize your computerized cash register died, but shouldn’t you be able to
make change for a dollar in your
head?
Julie R. Smith, who may one day
actually mail these letters, can be
reached at [email protected]
Judy Watts/Journal Scene
Of moose and men…
Seldom seen in the Lowcountry, icicles seem to be everywhere this week. Any water leak turned into a cascade of
ice with 20-degree temps every night.
BY JIM TATUM
This column will regularly feature photos from local community service clubs. Submit your club information and photos to:
Judy Watts, Summerville Journal Scene, Summerville, SC 29483;
or e-mail [email protected], All people in photos must
be correctly identified. Photos should be at least 200 dpi.
ROTARY CLUB
MEMBERS VISIT SCS
S
o I read where a New York
woman is suing a bar she was in
because a stuffed moose head
fell on her. She says she has suffered
injuries and lost wages because of the
nose-dive ol’ Bullwinkle took after
happy hour.
Sounds ridiculous, eh? Yet another
reason why we need tort reform in this
country, right?
Well, maybe, and then again, maybe
not.
I’ve always been of the opinion that
people are largely responsible for their
actions. That includes where they park
their carcasses to pound a brewski or
two. On the other hand, Bullwinkle
weighed more than 150 pounds and
had a rack about three feet wide. Add
all that with a dose of gravity, and you
have a pretty powerful headache.
Call it what you will, but someone
needs to be held responsible.
Talk of tort reform is scary to me. I
don’t ever want to get on the business
end of a lawsuit, frivolous or not, but
I also don’t want the powerful to feel
free to practice the hideous,
Deliverance-type behavior on we the
people with far more latitude than
they currently enjoy. Whether we like
it or not, about the only thing that
keeps these greedy clowns from doing
whatever they feel like is the very real
fear of a visit from a
fast-talking character from the offices
of
Dewey,
Cheatham & Howe.
A few years ago, I
wrote a column that
absolutely infuriated my brother, who
I love dearly and
respect exponentially. He’s a lawyer, a
very capable and impeccably honest
one, and his objection was not necessarily my stance on tort reform at the
time, but the nature of the information
upon which I based my objections.
Like so much of what’s wrong with
the world today, it, too, came from the
Internet. Email. Something called the
Stella Awards, a dubious honor
bestowed upon “the most ridiculous
lawsuits in America,” named for the
woman who sued McDonald’s after
she burned herself with a cup of hot
coffee.
The problem, he pointed out, is that
the cases cited are either blown exponentially out of proportion or simply
never happened.
The fact is, there are plenty of
unscrupulous, blowhard lawyers out
there, classic ambulance chasers looking for a fast buck. They all ought to
be castrated and sent to Pakistan wearing, “My Kid can Beat Up your
Mullah” T-shirts.
There are also a lot of unscrupulous,
blowhard pundits and spin-doctors out
there inundating the public with all
manner of carefully constructed fiction. They all ought to be castrated
and sent to Pakistan wearing, “My
Kid can Beat Up Your Mullah,” Tshirts.
There are also a lot of idiots in the
public repeating all this truthless
dreck as Gospel, thus perpetuating the
cycle of fear and ignorance. They all
ought to be – okay, okay, you get the
idea.
Actually, reform starts at home. It’s
probably too much to ask the Bar
Association to be a little more willing
to barbecue those creeps that clog up
the system and waste everyone’s time
and money, but one can hope.
It’s probably too much to ask judges
to be quicker to censure, suspend,
even disbar some of their own rather
than politely ask them not to engage in
practices that bring them wealth and
television commercials, but one can
hope.
It’s probably too much to ask corporations, political parties, special interest groups, and other occasionally
necessary evils to put a little fact in
their folderol, but one can hope.
It’s probably too much to ask the
public to be a little more discerning,
but one can – okay, okay, you get the
idea.
Provided
Summerville Catholic School third graders were excited when they
received a visit from members of the Summerville Rotary Club. The
organization’s motto is “service above self.” Frank Osage and Linda
Art shared information about the history of the organization and the
many ways members serve others locally and across the globe.
Before leaving, club members presented each third grader with their
own personal student dictionary. Pictured are Mr. Osage and Mrs. Art
sharing information with third graders.
LETTERS POLICY
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the right to edit. Letters should be addressed to The Editor, The Summerville Journal Scene, P. O. Box 715, Summerville, S.C. 29484 or they may be e-mailed to [email protected]
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