Social'and'Emotional'Intelligence:'What'Is'It'and'How'to' Foster'It'With'Children'' !

Social'and'Emotional'Intelligence:'What'Is'It'and'How'to'
Foster'It'With'Children''
With!Mary!Boncher,!PTA!Psychologist,!Debbie!Fuchs,!Peer!Mediator!Coach!
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I.'What'is'Social'and'Emotional'Intelligence?'
A. The!Project!in!Excellence!in!Social!and!Emotional!Literacy!(2003)!uses!
the!following!definition.!
1.!SelfKawareness!–!the!ability!to!recognize!and!understand!one’s!!
moods,!emotions,!and!drives,!as!well!as!their!effect!on!others.!
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2.!SelfKmanagement:!the!ability!to!control!or!redirect!disruptive!!
impulses!and!moods!as!well!as!the!propensity!to!suspend!!
judgment!and!to!think!before!acting!
3.!SelfKmotivation:!using!your!emotions!in!the!service!of!a!goal,!staying!!
hopeful!despite!setbacks.!
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4.!Empathy:!the!ability!to!understand!the!emotional!makeup!of!other!!
people!and!the!skill!to!treat!them!according!to!their!emotional!!
reactions!
5.!Handling!relationships!/social!skills:!ability!to!find!common!ground!!
and!build!rapport!
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II.'Why'Is'Social'and'Emotional'Intelligence'Important?'
A. IQ!contributes!only!about!20!percent!to!the!factors!that!determine!life!
success.!
1.!Leaves!80!percent!to!other!factors!
B. Multiple!forms!of!intelligence!
1. Theory!of!intelligence!that!came!to!dominate!in!the!U.S.!was!
developed!about!100!years!ago!and!was!used!to!help!sort!!some!
two!million!American!enlistees!in!WWI.!
a. Verbal!intelligence!
b. MathematicalKlogical!intelligence!
2. Howard!Gardner!of!Harvard!School!of!Education!has!posed!that!
there!are!multiple!forms!of!intelligence!including!the!traditional!
two!but!also!including!at!least!
a. Spatial!Capacity!
b. Kinesthetic!
c. Musical!
d. Interpersonal!
e. IntraKpsychic!
3. Emotional!intelligence!overlaps!with!the!domains!of!Interpersonal!
and!intraKpsychic!intelligences!
C. Social!and!Emotional!Intelligence!is!important!because!it!fosters!a!good!
relationship!with!self!and!others.!
1. Self!awareness,!management!of!ones!emotions,!the!ability!to!self!
motivate!even!in!the!face!of!adversity,!empathy,!and!handling!
relationships!set!conditions!for!success!
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2. The!measurement!of!social!and!emotional!intelligence!is!still!
developing!and!there!is!still!limited!research!on!how!much!it!
contributes!to!success.!!!
D. Many!schools,!such!as!Lower!Lab,!recognize!the!importance!of!Social!and!
Emotional!Intelligence!and!finding!ways!to!work!it!into!the!school!day.!At!
LL,!we!have!Student!Council,!SEL!programs!like!Peer!Mediation!and!
Morning!Greeters/Classroom!Monitors,!Stop!and!Think!as!a!behavioral!
tool,!SEL!quotes,!suggestion!box!and!workshops!such!as!this!one!that!help!
parents!and!students!work!on!these!important!skills!!
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IV.'How'to'Foster'SEL'with'Children'at'Home'
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[email protected],!have!an!accurate!assessment!of!his/her!
internal!states,!preferences,!resources!–!strengths!and!weaknesses,!intuitions!
by:!
1. Teaching!child!to!recognize!and!name!own!emotions!and!those!of!
others!
a. Use!an!affective!vocabulary!with!and!around!your!children.!!
b. Be!emotionally!empathic!
c. Do!fun!activities!that!focus!on!the!development!of!an!
affective!language!
i. Make!list!of!feeling!words!and!practice!using!them!
ii. Read!books!that!are!specifically!about!feelings:!
“How!Are!You!Peeling”,!“Verdi”!
iii. Read!books!and!discuss!the!affective!state!of!the!
characters.!
2. Helping!children!learn!to!identify!physical!characteristics!of!
feelings!in!self!and!others!through:!
a. Comments!such!as!“It!seems!like!you!are!mad!from!the!
expression!on!your!face”!or!“Doesn’t!Sheila!seem!joyful!
skipping!down!the!street”!help!children!identify!physical!
and!behavioral!manifestations!of!different!feelings!
b. There!are!many!fun!activities!that!one!can!also!do!
i. Make!feeling!faces!
ii. Play!feelings!charades!
iii. Discuss!apparent!feeling!states!of!characters!in!
literature!from!physical!and!other!descriptions,!e.g.!
read!and!discuss!“A!Bad!Case!of!Stripes”!
3. Foster!understanding!of!the!reasons!and!circumstances!for!
feelings!
a. Have!discussions!about!how!you!are!feeling!and!why.!
b. Read!books!and!discuss!the!relationship!between!
experiences!and!feelings!such!as!“Today!I!Feel!Silly!and!
Other!Moods!that!Make!My!Day”!!
c. Discuss!triggers!for!different!feelings!
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d. Talk!about!the!importance!of!feelings!and!the!information!
they!give!us!
4.!Teach!child!to!recognize!the!difference!between!feelings!and!actions!
5.!Teach!child!to!accurately!identify!their!beliefs!and!values!
B.!!A!person!who!can!control'their'emotions!(has!affect!regulation!skills)!is!
able!to!manage!internal!states,!impulses,!and!resources;!tolerate!frustration!
and!appropriately!express!anger,!and!handle!stress.!
1.!Teaching!affect!regulation!starts!when!the!child!is!very!young!and!
the!caregiver!provides!soothing!and!encourages!and!teaches!selfK
soothing!
2.!Part!of!being!able!to!manage!emotions!is!understanding!that!a!
feeling!can!progressively!intensify.!!
a.!Use!feeling!words!to!describe!the!progress!of!degree!or!
intensity!of!a!feeling!!
i.!Upset,!mad,!angry,!rage!
b. Talk!about!the!progression!and!what!happens!that!feelings!
move!along!the!progression!
3. Teach!that!there!are!ways!to!intervene!in!the!progression!and!to!
get!yourself!out!of!bad!moods.!
a.!Read!“When!Sophie!Gets!Angry!–!Really,!Really!Angry”!!
i.!Discuss!what!happens,!how!Sophie!feels!and!how!she!
calms!herself!down.!
ii.!Discuss!what!else!Sophie!could!have!done!to!calm!
herself!down.!
4. Brainstorm!ways!to!get!yourself!or!someone!else!out!of!the!bad!
mood.!!
a. Make!list!of!ideas!
b. Agree!to!try!them!over!the!day/week!
c. Check!back!on!how!the!ideas!worked.!
5. Teach!and!practice!relaxation!techniques!
6. Recognize!that!feelings!can!change!and!that!feelings!often!change!
when!thoughts!change!
a. Work!on!observing!feelings,!journaling!about!them,!
watching!their!progression!and!changes.!
b. Create!feeling!timelines!for!characters!in!books!with!events!
that!happen!that!contribute!to!changes!in!feelings!
c. Teach!how!to!challenge!negative!thoughts!based!on!the!
accuracy!or!usefulness!of!the!negative!thought.!
d. Read!“Tar!Baby”!and!talk!about!the!power!of!mind!over!
feeling!states.!
e. Look!for!and!use!teachable!moments.!
7. Develop!alternative!way!of!appropriately!expressing!feelings!
a. Writing!
b. Art!
c. Assertiveness!
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i. Read!“Matthew!and!Tilly”!and!discuss!how!both!
characters!used!you!statements!and!the!problems!
this!caused.!
ii. Talk!about!and!practice!I!messages!
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[email protected]!is!able!to!use!his/her!emotions!in!the!
service!of!a!goal!
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1.!Teach!and!practice!setting!up!personal!goals!!
a.!Develop!a!shortKterm!family!goal!with!steps!and!a!time!line!!
i. Identify!what!you!want!!
ii. Make!a!detailed!plan!
iii. Identify!external!and!internal!obstacles!to!achieving!
the!goal.!!
iv. Visualize!yourself!achieving!your!goal!
v. Follow!your!plan!
vi. At!end!of!week!assess!goal,!achievement,!and!
process!include!discussion!of!emotional!reactions!to!
tasks!and!how!you!dealt!with!these.!
2.!Teach!that!to!accomplish!goals!you!will!at!times!have!to!take!charge!
of!your!emotions!and!turn!negative!feelings!into!positive!ones.!!
a.!Discuss!and!support!the!role!of!creativity,!optimism,!and!
commitment!in!selfKdirected!behavior!
b.!Read!“The!Gardener”!and!discuss!
c.!Set!another!shortKterm!goal!with!tasks!required!to!
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accomplish!the!goal!and!potential!internal!and!external!
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obstacles!alone!the!way!–!include!emotional!obstacles!!
i. Journal!about!working!to!achieve!the!goal!
ii. What!emotions!were!experienced!around!
different!tasks?!!
iii. How!you!deal!with!the!emotions?!
iv. !In!what!ways!did!you!succeed,!in!which!ways!
did!you!not!do!as!well?!
v. Make!a!list!of!what!you!would!do!differently.!
3.!Uses!setbacks!to!learn!
4.!Recognize!that!long!term!goals!take!planning,!patience,!multiple!
steps,!and!concentrated!energies!
a.!Talk!about!the!difference!between!short!and!long!term!goals!
listing!examples!of!each.!
b.!Child!or!family!sets!a!long!term!goal!–!(Ideas:!!a!garden,!
changing!a!family!dynamic!like!put!ups!versus!put!downs,!
planning!a!vacation)!
i.!Describe!the!vision!
ii.!Begin!to!develop!the!plan!!
iii.!Divide!the!plan!into!stages!
iv.!Figure!out!the!tasks!for!each!stage.!!
v.!Undertake!the!plan!
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vi.!Evaluating!progress!and!process!along!the!way!
including!emotions!that!come!up!and!have!to!be!dealt!
with.!!
5.!Knowing!when!to!make!changes!in!your!plan!or!even!your!goal.!
D. An!empathic'person!is!aware!of!the!feelings,!desires,!needs!and!concerns!
of!others,!can!step!into!another!person’s!shoes,!is!able!to!take!another!
person’s!perspective,!is!effective!at!listening!to!others!
1. Research!shows!that!the!capacity!for!empathy!starts!in!infancy!and!
is!built!from!early!life!experiences.!
2. The!preKrequisite!of!understanding!another’s!perspective!is!
understanding!one’s!own!perspective!
a. This!skill!should!be!built!first!
b. Prior!exercises,!on!selfKawareness!and!selfKmotivation!
should!have!helped!with!the!development!of!this!skill.!!
3. Perspective!taking!
a. Use!a!piece!of!literature,!a!movie,!or!real!life!situation!to!
explore!perspectives.!
i. Ask!first!about!child’s!thoughts!feelings,!values!
/perspective!on!the!situation!
ii. Discuss!the!different!perspectives!of!the!people!
involved.!
1. Thoughts!and!feelings!
2. Values!
3. Behaviors!
4. Perspective!
iii. Talk!about!the!importance!of!perspective!taking!to!!
1. Understanding!what!is!going!on!
2. Relationships!
b. Play!agree/unsure/disagree!games!
i. Talk!about!learning!perspective!taking!by!
understanding!that!people!have!different!points!of!
view.!!
ii. Make!statements!about!things!or!situations!that!can!
be!discussed!in!the!family!with!people!indicating!if!
they!agree,!are!not!sure,!or!disagree!and!why!
iii. These!can!be!simple!like!my!favorite!ice!cream!is!
vanilla!to!more!complex!like!is!it!wrong!if!you!drop!a!
gum!wrapper!and!don’t!pick!it!up?.!
iv. Talk!about!how!different!people!have!different!
perspectives.!
c. Read!“Hey,!Little!Ant”!–!K!or!Little!Mouse’s!Painting”!2K3!
and!discuss!perspectives!describing!what!each!of!the!
characters!was!feeling!and!thinking!and!how!that!effected!
their!behaviors.!!
4. Listening!for!other!person’s!thoughts!and!feelings.!
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a. Listening!and!observing!are!two!key!factors!in!being!able!to!
figure!out!some!one!else’s!perspective.!!
i. Play!detective!listening!to!figure!out!what!another!
persons!is!thinking!or!feeling.!
1. Consider!what!is!being!said!
2. Tone!of!voice!
3. Speed!of!verbalization!
4. Facial!expression!
5. Body!posture!
6. Body!gestures!
5. Show!that!you!understand!another!person’s!perspective.!
a. Talk!about!ways!that!you!show!another!person!that!you!
understand!their!perspective!!
i. This!could!be!in!relation!to!characters!in!a!book,!a!
situation!that!happened!with!a!friend!or!in!the!home!
ii. Include!
1. Asking!
2. Making!a!statement!about!what!you!think!the!
other!person!thinks!or!feels!
3. Nodding!your!head!
4. Saying!so!
6. Talk!about!empathy!–!!
a. What!is!it?!
i. More!than!just!understanding!the!other!person!
ii. Caring!and!having!the!desire!to!help!
iii. Experiencing!emotions!that!match!the!other!
person’s!
b. What!does!it!look!like?!
i. A!hug!
ii. A!touch!
iii. A!genuine!smile!
iv. A!nodding!head!
c. What!does!it!sound!like!
i. “I!understand!how!you!feel”!
ii. “Ya!ha,!…ummm.”!
d. What!does!it!feel!like!
i. Feeling!some!of!what!the!other!person!is!feelings!
ii. A!strong!connection!
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E.!!A!person!with!keen'social'skills!is!able!to!analyze!and!understand!
relationships,!resolve!conflicts!and!negotiate!disagreements,!be!assertive,!
share!and!be!helpful.!
1.!Discuss!possible!outcomes!to!conflict!winKwin,!winKlose,!loseKwin,!
loseKlose!
a.!Look!at!various!conflicts!–!within!literature,!tv!programs,!
family!situations.!Read!“The!Zax”!
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1.!Talk!about!how!winKwin!is!usually!the!best!outcome!
2.!The!way!you!handle!conflict!impacts!outcome!
3.!Recognizing!the!different!points!of!view!in!a!conflict!
helps!one!handle!them!differently!
4.!work!on!how!ones!states!their!point!of!view!while!
keeping!other’s!feelings!in!mind.!
2.!!Teach!that!behaviors!have!consequences!and!that!behaviors!impact!!
other!people!and!thus!have!consequences!on!relationships.!
a.!Use!a!situation!from!child’s!experience!with!a!friend!or!in!the!
home.!!
b.!Map!out!behaviors!and!consequences!in!terms!of!thoughts,!
feelings!behaviors!
3.!Review!of!assertiveness!“I!statement”!
a.!!!!Assertive,!aggressive,!and!passive!behaviors!
b.!Standing!up!for!self!K!eye!contact,!body!posture,!projecting!!
confidence!
c. Making!I!statements!
i. When!this!happened!
ii. I!felt!
iii. I!thought!
iv. I!would!like!
4.!Making!and!keeping!friends!
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a.!making!friends!!
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talk!to!people!
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ask!to!join!in!a!game!
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be!a!good!listener!
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be!friendly!and!say!hi!
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smile!
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be!kind!
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share!
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b.!Keeping!friends!
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respect,!trust,!accept!
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care!and!be!interested!in!that!person!
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forgive!mistakes!!
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allow!space!
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listen!
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give!and!accept!feedback!kindly!
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stick!with!the!person!during!hard!times!
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be!and!have!fun!
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REFERENCES!
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BarKOn,!R.!(1999)!Emotional!and!social!intelligence:!Insights!from!the!Emotional!!
Quotient!Inventory.!In!R.!BarKOn!&!J.!D.!A.!Parker!(Eds.),!The$handbook$of$$
emotional$intelligence:$Theory,$development,$assessment,$and$application$at$
home,$school,$and$in$the$workplace,!(pp.!363K388).!San!Francisco,!CA:!JosseyK
Bass,!Inc.$
Goleman,!D.!(1995).!Emotional!Intelligence:!What!it!can!matter!more!than!IQ.!!
Bantan!Books:!NY!
Mayer,!J.,!Caruso,!D.,!&!Salovey,!P.!(2000).!Emotional!intelligence!meets!traditional!!
standards!for!an!intelligence.!Intelligence,$27,!267K298.!
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Saarni,!C.!(1997).!Emotional!competence!and!selfKregulation!in!childhood.!In!P.!!
Salovey!&!D.!Sluyter!(Eds.),!Emotional$development$and$emotional$intelligence:$
Educational$implications!(pp.!35K66).!New!York:!Basic!Books.!
Schachter,!R.!(2011).!Can!kindness!be!taught.!Instructor!winter!pp!59K63.!
Tobin,!J.!(2003).!Project!EXSE:!Excellence!in!social!and!emotional!literacy!(revised).!!
New!York!City!Board!of!Education!Community!School!District!Two!
Wings!Social!and!Emotional!Learning!Kit!!
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www.edutopia.org!
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