Hitting a wall at work? Stuck in a relationship

LIFE
Hitting a wall at work?
Stuck in a relationship
rut? This may be hard
to hear, but the problem
might be you. Ayana
Byrd reports on the
surprising, subconscious
ways women undermine
their own success—and
how to stop for good
D
@8E8F;I8JJF#X*)$p\Xi$fc[]`cd
Zffi[`eXkfi ]ifd GXcd 9\XZ_#
=cfi`[X# XcnXpj Zfej`[\i\[ _\i$
j\c] X jk\ccXi Zfem\ijXk`feXc`jk%
9lk ]fi p\Xij# j_\ nXj fYc`m`flj kf _\i
Xeefp`e^ _XY`k f] Zlkk`e^ f]] g\fgc\ d`[$
j\ek\eZ\ n`k_ k_`j iXggfik$b`cc`e^ g_iXj\1
ÈEf#@befn%ÉJ_\nXj#`e]XZk#Xj\i`Xc`ek\i$
ilgk\i% Ef jligi`j\# _\i g\eZ_Xek kf kXcb
fm\i g\fgc\ [`[eËk jZfi\ gf`ekj n`k_ Zfc$
c\X^l\jXe[]i`\e[j%
F[iXjjf X[d`kj j_\ nXj ]Xi ]ifd D`jj
GfglcXi`kpXdfe^_\iZfnfib\ijfek_\]`cd
]\jk`mXc Z`iZl`k% <m\e nfij\# j_\ cfjk dXep
]i`\e[j_`gj Xe[ _X[ ef `[\X n_pÇlek`c X
iffddXk\ `ek\im\e\[% ÈJ_\ kfc[ d\ k_Xk
@ ZXd\ XZifjj Xj X befn$`k$Xcc#É F[iXjjf
jXpj% È8k ]`ijk# @ ]\ck [\\gcp _lik% 9lk dp
iffddXk\_\cg\[d\le[\ijkXe[[email protected]
Y\`e^g\iZ\`m\[Xjj\c]$i`^_k\fljXe[il[\#
c`b\@Xci\X[pbe\n\m\ipk_`e^%É
9\]fi\ pfl cXY\c F[iXjjf Xj j`e^lcXicp
Zcl\c\jj# Zfej`[\i k_`j1 ÈKf fe\ [\^i\\ fi
Xefk_\i#dfjkf]lj_Xm\Yc`e[jgfkjXYflk
flifneY\_Xm`fi#ÉjXpjD`Z_X\cGXkk\ijfe#
XeX[aleZkgif]\jjfiXkG\gg\i[`e\Le`m\i$
j`kpËj >iX[lXk\ JZ_ffc f] <[lZXk`fe Xe[
180 MARIE CLAIRE / MAY 2012
How to
Get Out of
Your Own
Way
GjpZ_fcf^p Xe[ ZfXlk_fi f] X e\n Yffb
XYflk j\c]$[\]\Xk`e^ Y\_Xm`fij# ?Xm\XE`Z\
:fe]c`Zk% K_\j\ Yc`e[ jgfkj dXb\ `k \Xjp kf
]`e[]Xlck`efk_\ijn_\ek_`e^j[feËk^ffli
nXpÇjXp# kf YcXd\ fli ]cXn\[ gXi\ekj#
fliZilddpYfjj\j#k_\\ek`i\nfic[ÇXe[
gi\m\eklj]ifdj\\`e^k_Xkf]k\ek_\g\ijfe
jkXe[`e^ `e fli nXp f] _Xgg`e\jj Xe[
jlZZ\jj`jk_\g\ijfejkXi`e^YXZbXklj`e
k_\d`iifi%8jk_\nfibgcXZ\Y\Zfd\jdfi\
Zfdg\k`k`m\Xe[i\cXk`fej_`gjY\Zfd\dfi\
Zfdgc`ZXk\[ [l\ kf k_\ n_`dj f] df[\ie
c`]\#k_\jkXb\jXi\_`^_\ik_Xe\m\i%
N_p Xi\ jf dXep f] lj leXnXi\ f] fli
fne Y\_Xm`fi6 Fli ]Xjk$gXZ\[ Zlckli\ `j
gXikcpkfYcXd\#Xi^l\jJljXe:X`e#Xlk_fi
f] k_\ i\Z\ek Ylqq$nfik_p Yffb Hl`\k1 K_\
Gfn\i f] @ekifm\ikj `e X Nfic[ K_Xk :XeËk
JkfgKXcb`e^%È@k`j[\\gcp`e^iX`e\[`ek_`j
jfZ`\kpkfgi\]\iXZk`fefm\iZfek\dgcXk`fe#É
j_\jXpj%@ekf[XpËjnfic[#dfi\g\fgc\Xi\
XZk`e^Xe[k\ok`e^Xe[kn\\k`e^ ]`ijk#Xe[
Xjb`e^hl\jk`fejcXk\iÇfie\m\i%
8ZZfi[`e^kfjfZ`XcgjpZ_fcf^`jkj#k_\i\Ëj
Xefk_\i# \m\e [\\g\i i\Xjfe1 ?ldXej Xi\
gif^iXdd\[ kf j\\ fk_\ij dfi\ Zc\Xicp
k_Xe k_\p j\\ k_\dj\cm\jÇX g_\efd\efe
ZXcc\[XZkfi&fYj\im\i[`]]\i\eZ\j%ÈN\i\X[
j`klXk`fej[`]]\i\ekcp[\g\e[`e^fen_\k_\i
n\ Xi\ k_\ XZkfi fi k_\ g\ijfe nXkZ_`e^#É
jXpj?\`[`>iXek?Xcmfijfe#Xdfk`mXk`feXc
jZ`\ek`jk Xk :fcldY`X Le`m\ij`kp 9lj`e\jj
JZ_ffc#n_fni`k\jk_\Ycf^K_\JZ`\eZ\f]
JlZZ\jj% N_`c\ fk_\ij ZXe Zc\Xicp j\\ k_Xk
pfl ]i\hl\ekcp `ek\iilgk Zfem\ijXk`fej fi
^\ki\[$]XZ\[Xe[jn\XkpXi^l`e^Xgf`ek#`kËj
\Xj`\i]fipflkf`^efi\fiiXk`feXc`q\pfli
Y\_Xm`fi# >iXek ?Xcmfijfe jXpj% ÈPfl _Xm\
XZZ\jj kf jf dlZ_ `e]fidXk`fe k_Xk fk_\ij
[feËk# c`b\ pfli gXjk \og\i`\eZ\j# pfli Y\$
c`\]j XYflk pfli fne XY`c`k`\j# pfli ]\Xij
Xe[`ej\Zli`k`\j%8cck_Xk\okiX[XkXX]]\Zkj
pfli`ek\igi\kXk`fef]n_Xkpfl[fÇjfj\c]$
[\]\Xk`e^ Y\_Xm`fij dXb\ dfi\ j\ej\ Xe[
j\\ddfi\i\XjfeXYc\kfpfl%É
F]k\e# dXep `e[`m`[lXcj _Xm\ gifYc\dj
`[\ek`]p`e^ k_\`i fne e\^Xk`m\ Y\_Xm`fi
Y\ZXlj\`k`jiffk\[`eXkiX`kk_\pËi\gifl[
f]%?Xm\XE`Z\:fe]c`Zkk\ccjk_\jkfipf]Af_e
;fpc\#X]`Zk`feXcjXc\jdXeX^\in_fi\gi\$
j\ekj k_\ dXep g\fgc\ GXkk\ijfe j\\j `e
kf[XpËj nfibgcXZ\ n_f le[\id`e\ k_\`i
fne jlZZ\jj n`k_ leZfejZ`flj Y\_Xm`fij%
;fpc\Zfej`[\ij_`dj\c]Xdf[\c\dgcfp\\Ç
ZfejZ`\ek`flj# [`c`^\ek# n`k_ X jkife^ i\$
Zfi[Çp\k `j i\g\Xk\[cp gXjj\[ fm\i ]fi
MAY 2012 / MARIE CLAIRE 181
gifdfk`fej% ?\ _X[eËk i\Xc`q\[ k_Xk n_Xk
_\ Zfej`[\i\[ fe\ f] _`j Y\jk Xjj\kjÇ_`j
ÈkXb\$Z_Xi^\ Xkk`kl[\ÉÇnXj Zfej`[\i\[
XYiXj`m\Ypfk_\ij%È8cfkf]fliY\_Xm`fi`j
[i`m\eYpXdfk`mXk`fekfXZ_`\m\Xj\ej\f]
j\c]$nfik_#kf]\\c^ff[XYflkflij\cm\j#kf
Zfeki`Ylk\#ÉjXpjGXkk\ijfe%È9lkn_\ekXb$
\ekfk_\\oki\d\#k_\j\jki\e^k_jZXeklie
`ekfn\Xbe\jj\j%É
T
8B< C8E8 :8JKC<#
n_f X[d`kj
k_Xk j_\ [f\jeËk \m\i Xgfcf^`q\Ç
Xe[`ej`jkjk_Xkk_\i\ËjXg\i]\Zkcp
XZZ\gkXYc\ i\Xjfe% È8k k_\ \e[ f]
k_\ [Xp# @ Xd XcnXpj X c`kkc\ Y`k i`^_k#É j_\
jXpj% :Xjkc\# */# ]ifd Hl\\ej# E\n Pfib#
ZcX`dj k_Xk _\i Y\jk hlXc`k`\jÇ`dgi\jj`m\
fi^Xe`qXk`feXcjb`ccj#d\dfip#Xe[gifYc\d$
jfcm`e^XY`c`kpÇ_\cg\ogcX`en_pj_\`jiXi\$
cp#`]\m\i#nife^%8]k\i_\i_ljYXe[kfc[_\i
j_\nXjfYefo`flj]fii\]lj`e^kfXgfcf^`q\#
:Xjkc\ jXpj# ÈEfn @ kip kf Y\ X c`kkc\ dfi\
_ldYc\# X c`kkc\ c\jj befn$`k$Xcc% 9lk `kËj
kfl^_%%%@XdljlXccpi`^_k$`j_É:Xjkc\Ëj[`]$
]`Zlckp `e ZXk\^fi`q`e^ k_`j Xj X ]Xlck `j efk
leZfddfe%È@kZXeY\m\ip_Xi[kfj\\k_`j
kiX`k `e pflij\c]#É jXpj gjpZ_fcf^`jk Al[`k_
J`ccj#Xlk_fif]<oZ\jj9X^^X^\1>\kk`e^Flk
f] Pfli Fne NXp% È@k ZXe Y\ Zfej`[\i\[
XÊYiX^Ën_\e#`e]XZk#`kËjXYc`e[jgfk%É
AljkXj:Xjkc\nXjclZbp\efl^_kf_Xm\
jfd\fe\ gf`ek flk _\i ]cXn# 8dp Jg\eZ\i
Xcjf Y\e\]`k\[ ]ifd X cfm\[ fe\ k\cc`e^ _\i
_fnj_\nXjY\`e^#n\cc#Xa\ib%Jg\eZ\i#k_\
Xlk_fif]k_\e\nYffb9i`^_kJ`[\Lg1(''
NXpjkf9\?Xgg`\iI`^_kEfn#Xc`]\cfe^fgk`$
d`jk#Xe[Xi\cXk`fej_`g\og\ik#`jljlXccpefk
fek_\i\Z\`m`e^\e[f]Zi`k`Z`jdXYflk_\i
`ek\ig\ijfeXc jb`ccj% 9lk# j_\ X[d`kj# ÈDp
]i`\e[kfc[d\`]@[`[eËk^\kdpnXpXYflk
jfd\k_`e^#@Ë[jXp#ÊN_Xk\m\i#efY`^[\XcËfi
jfd\fk_\igXjj`m\$X^^i\jj`m\Yilj_$f]]`e$
jk\X[f]\ogcX`e`e^k_Xk`kXZklXccpnXjXY`^
[\Xc]fid\%É
N_Xk nflc[ c\X[ k_\ Xlk_fi f] X Yffb
XYflk _Xgg`e\jj kf Y\ jf Yiljhl\ Xe[ le$
gc\XjXek6È@[feËknXekkfdXb\Xepfe\]\\c
YX[]fiefk[f`e^jfd\k_`e^@nXekk_\dkf
[f% 9lk dp jfclk`fe [`[eËk nfib Y\ZXlj\
k_\pZflc[i\X[dpkfe\Xe[[email protected]Ëk
FB%ÉJg\eZ\iËjXZk`fejn\i\`ek\igi\k\[Xj
jfli^iXg\j#k_fl^_j_\nXjjki`m`e^kfY\
X g\fgc\$gc\Xj\i% ÈGifYc\dj f]k\e Xi`j\ `e
fli i\cXk`fej_`gj Y\ZXlj\ g\fgc\ ZXeefk
j\\ fli ^ff[ `ek\ek`fej#É jXpj GXkk\ijfe%
ÈK_\nXpfliY\_Xm`fidXb\jk_\d]\\cZXe
182 MARIE CLAIRE / MAY 2012
Clear Your Way
Think you might have a
few self-defeating habits
of your own? Figure out
your unintentional
behaviors and start
breaking through with
these easy steps:
1
Ask for an honest
assessment. Since
it’s so hard to get out
of your own entrenched
mode of thinking, ask
people you love and
trust—your mom, husband,
boyfriend, best friend—
to help you identify
problem behaviors.
2
Don’t get defensive!
It’s hard to hear
constructive criticism,
but if you do, you’ll be one
step closer to making
a positive change.
3
Live your ideal
life—for 10 minutes
a day. “In a perfect world,
you don’t have annoying
behaviors. If you picture
yourself wanting to be in
a loving relationship,
practice being a loving
person,” says author Amy
Spencer. “Do something
simple: Buy your friend
a little gift, give a good
hug, love and adore
someone to establish the
pattern of being who you
want to be.”
4
Be patient with
yourself. The brain
will fold itself around an
idea and take a long time
to straighten out, says
motivational scientist
Heidi Grant Halvorson.
“Too often, people think,
I’ve been trying something
new for a month and
things are still the same,
so I guess I can’t change.”
Plan what you’re going to
do differently in order
to make a new behavior
automatic.
Y\Xklief]]Xe[`jXgi`dXipjfliZ\f]`e$
k\ig\ijfeXcZfe]c`Zk%É
Jf_fn[fpflbefn`]pflËi\^\kk`e^`e
pfli fne nXp6 =`ijk# cffb ]fi X gXkk\ie f]
j\kYXZbjÇY`^ fi jdXccÇ`e pfli c`]\% È@] Xk
nfib pflËi\ efk gifdfk\[ Xe[ pfl j_flc[
_Xm\ Y\\e2 fi pfl nXek X i\cXk`fej_`g Xe[
`kËj Y\\e p\Xij j`eZ\ pflËm\ _X[ X j\Zfe[
[Xk\# jfd\k_`e^Ëj nife^#É jXpj Jg\eZ\i%
ÈFeZ\ pflËm\ ile flk f] k_\ \oZlj\j k_Xk
flkj`[\]XZkfijXi\kfYcXd\#cffbkfpfliY\$
_Xm`fij%É Fe X g`\Z\ f] gXg\i# ni`k\ [fne
n_Xk_Xj^fe\nife^`ek_\gXjkdfek_fi
p\Xik_Xk_XjYcfZb\[pfl]ifd^\kk`e^n_Xk
pfl nXek% I\d\dY\i n_Xk fk_\i g\fgc\
_Xm\jX`[XYflkpfliY\_Xm`fiXe[\m\eXjb
]fi]\\[YXZb]ifdjfd\fe\pflkiljkÇcffb
]fiki\e[j%ÈJ\\`e^gXjkfe\ËjfneYc`e[jgfk
`jXY`^jk\gkf^\kk`e^fm\i`k#ÉjXpjJ`ccj%
K_\e\okjk\g1i\m\ij`e^k_\e\^Xk`m\Y\$
_Xm`fi%Jg\eZ\i#n_fefcfe^\ini`k\jk_`e^j
f]] Xj Èef Y`^ [\Xc#É jXpj# È:_Xe^`e^ _fn
pfl XZk `j c`b\ giXZk`Z`e^ k_\ g`Xef% K_\
dfi\pfl[f`k#k_\Y\kk\ipflY\Zfd\%ÉJ\\
j`[\YXi#c\]k#]fidfi\k`gj% K_Xkb`e[f][\$
k\id`eXk`fe nXj \oXZkcp n_Xk `k kffb ]fi
8e`kXJd`k_kfjkfgY\`e^XiXYYc\$iflj\iXk
nfib% Pfl befn k_\ fe\1 N_`c\ \m\ipfe\
\cj\`jd`c[cp[`j^ilekc\[fm\iXe\ngfc`Zp
fi d\df# j_\ `j nfib\[ lg# j\e[`e^ `iXk\
\$dX`cj Xe[ X`i`e^ _\i ]iljkiXk`fej kf Xep$
fe\n_fn`ccc`jk\e%Fe\[Xp_\i\dfk`feXc
gfkYf`c\[fm\i%N_\eXZfnfib\idX[\Xe
f]]\ej`m\ i\dXib# Jd`k_ cle^\[ Xk _`d%
ÈK_\efk_\ij_\c[d\YXZb#[email protected]`Zb\[dp
c\^lg#n_`Z_`eX[m\ik\ekcpc\[kfdpjXe[Xc
]cp`e^Xk_`d%8j`knXj_Xgg\e`e^#@k_fl^_k#
@XdXZk`e^ZiXqpÇ[email protected][eËkjkfg%É
K_\ *.$p\Xi$fc[ dX^Xq`e\ ni`k\i ^fk
XnXb\$lgZXcck_Xkj_\Yifl^_kkf_\ie\ok
gfj`k`fe%È<m\ip[Xpn_\ejfd\k_`e^]ilj$
kiXk`e^_Xgg\ej#@k\ccdpj\c]@ZXeËkXcnXpj
i\XZk Xe[ @ ZXeËk Xccfn g\fgc\ kf _Xm\ k_`j
dlZ_gfn\ifm\id\%É8ck_fl^_j_\e\m\i
_X[Xd\ck[fnec`b\k_\cXjkfe\#Jd`k_jXpj
`k`jX[X`cpjkil^^c\kfi\d`e[_\ij\c]efkkf
i\m\ikkfgXjkY\_Xm`fi%
ÈI\d`e[\ij Xi\ ^ff[#É jXpj >iXek ?Xc$
mfijfe%ÈN_\epflZXkZ_pflij\c]k_`eb`e^#
@Ëdefk^ff[Xkk_`j#k_`eb#@Ëdefk^ff[Xkk_`j
p\k#[email protected]`ccY\%ÉJd`k_`jefcfe^\ik_\cffj\
ZXeefe n_fd fk_\ij je`Zb\i XYflk `e k_\
Zfe]\i\eZ\ iffd% 8e[ n_\e j_\ i\Z\ekcp
jXnXZfnfib\icfj\_\iZffc#j_\k_fl^_k#
ÈK_Xk lj\[ kf Y\ d\% @k nXj c`b\ cffb`e^ `e
Xd`iifiXkjfd\fe\@efcfe^\inXj%É
LANA CASTLE IS NOT HER REAL NAME. PREVIOUS SPREAD PHOTOGRAPH: RANKIN/TRUNKARCHIVE.COM
LIFE
`