Nobel’s Subz ‘n Pizza Gives Malia Obama Nobel Pizza Prize

Volume 6, Issue 2
The Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago
October 23, 2009
Nobel’s Subz ‘n Pizza Gives
Malia Obama Nobel Pizza Prize
By Carl Wheeler
Malia Obama, daughter of President Barack and First Lady Michelle
Obama, was awarded the Nobel Pizza
Prize Friday in recognition of her purchases of ten large pizzas in the preced-
bel’s policy of “giving you free pizza when
you buy a lot of them.”
Ms. Obama has “totally loved”
the downtown Washington sandwich and
pizza eatery since moving with her family
to the White House earlier this year., and
that she is “ninety nine point nine nine
nine percent” sure that she will have her
next birthday party in the restaurant.
Nobel’s came under almost immediate attack from some conservatives,
who questioned whether Ms. Obama
had done enough to earn the award.
See Nobel, p3
Ted O’Neill Finally Off
Waitlist at Yale
As former President Bill Clintion warned, it was
a 3:00 AM late late-night delivery that brought
Malia news of her award
ing year. The announcement came at
noon local time, and took the form of a
photocopied certificate signed by owner
Toby Nobel.
In a press conference, Ms.
Obama said that she knew the prize was
“obviously” going to be hers, citing No-
This Issue
Alone in the Night . . . . . . . . . . . . p2
Um . . . Um . . . Crap! . . . . . . . . . . .p3
Death and Taxes on Nicotine . . . . p4
Obama Withdrawl . . . . . . . . . . . . . p5
Yes, An Actual Dick Joke . . . . . . . .p6
In Soviet Russia, Granny Pulls plug
on YOU!!!!!!! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . p7
WALK SIGN . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .p8
By Ricky Zacharias
Ted O’Neill, famed Dean of Admissions for the College for two decades,
has finally
gotten off
the waitlist at Yale
the Office
of Undergraduate
Admissions said
y e s te r d a y
O’Neill, smiling at your
in a press recontinued, pathetic existence lease. “We
loss dearly,” it went on to say, “but we
understand all too well that Yale is what
he’s always wanted.”
Dean of Undergraduate Admissions at Yale Jeffery Brenzel confirmed
O’Neill’s appointment to the post of “Junior Admissions Officer,” and noted that
he would cover applicants to the college
from Hawaii, New Mexico, and most of
non-Australia Oceania.
When reached for an interview,
O’Neill said through fits and shouts of
excitement that he needed to figure
out what to pack and that he would get
back to us after joining the “Yale 2014”
group on Facebook. In a hurried interview conducted while walking from
Rosenwald Hall
to the bookstore,
O’Neill mentioned that he had never
much liked UChicago. “Quirkiness is
something,” he declared, “but it simply
is not good enough. I want prestige. Do
you have any idea how often I’ve gotten
applications for [expletive] UIC?”
O’Neill stated that his departure was
not connected to the recent change in
Admissions policy as the school moved
to the Common Application. “If I only
let in dorks, hipsters, and a smattering
of international and athletic students
for twenty years, how long will it take
before they realize that no one [expletive] cares that you’re a pogo-stick
champion or created an algorithm to
predict panda deaths. Now, the children
of government officials and aristocracy…
that I can get along with.”
When approached for comment
on their controversial new hire, officials
from Yale said only, “We appreciate Mr.
O’Neill’s extreme patience these twenty
years. Luckily, one of our admissions officers decided to go to Harvard, so we
had a spot.”
Volume 6, Issue 2
The Shady Dealer: Free of charge, things your mother approves
Page 2
Please Wear your Rape Whistle While Reading This Page
The Chicago Shady Dealer
Crescat Rumor, Vitia
Aaron Horton
Witch King
Katharine Bierce
Aash Viswanathan
Tommy Cook
Alison Howard
Carl Wheeler
Josh Nalven
Mae Rice
Edwin Sweeney
Leland Zhi
Sundays, 7PM @Harper 145
[email protected]
If you are offended, shocked, or otherwise provoked to hunt us down like
a delusional maniac, please take a deep
breath—that’s right, don’t be shy—and
count to ten. Maybe think about some
animals or something. Puppies always
work for us.
We’re real sorry about that last disclaimer. It came off as a little snarky, plus we
called you a maniac. Who does that? It
was in poor taste, and we’re sorry.
Though don’t get us wrong. That last
disclaimer was just an apology for the
tone of the first, not a retraction. Please
understand: We don’t give a fuck.
UCPD Announces It Will Shut Off
Emergency Lights on Halloween
By Etan Heller
Hyde Park - The University of Chicago Police Department announced yesterday that it plans on shutting down all Emergency Blue Light installations on campus on
October 31st, the night of Halloween. UCPD Chief Marlon Lynch said the decision is
part of the Department’s new initiative to “get into the spirit of the holiday more than
we have in past years.”
Chief Lynch went on to say, “You know, we’ve spent a bunch of time thinking
about it, and we realized that our normal efforts to keep the student body safe are contrary to what Halloween is all about. Are you getting the real Halloween experience if
you can press that stupid button every time you get a little scared?”
Lynch also stressed that officers will still be on duty at the UCPD station- to
give out candy. “I’m encouraging the officers on duty that night not to leave the UCPD
station under any circumstances,” explained Lynch. “Because, you know, what if some
trick-or-treaters come and they’re not there to answer the door? It would be a travesty
of justice.”
Ruling: Google Maps Gives
Dangerous Directions
By David Mcdiarmid
Celebrations broke out across the
University of Chicago campus on Thursday after the judge ruled in favor of Chicago RSO Students against Deceptively
Dangerous Directions. In SADDD’s
class-action lawsuit against Google Inc.,
the court found that Google’s mapping
service guided countless new and prospective U of C students into “harm’s way, also
known as The South Side” The judge ordered Google to divide forty million dollars in damages between 127 victims and
further ruled that the Internet giant must
henceforth prominently watermark its
maps with skulls and crossbones.
“Justice was done today,” said
Sally Higgins, founder and president of
SADDD. Google can deny responsibility
all it wants, but its trendy little map program has caused more deaths and injuries
than Charles Manson, tornados, and anthrax combined.”
Evidence presented during the
trial established that the popular search
engine, when asked to find the quickest
public transportation route to most addresses on campus, directs its users to ride
the CTA’s green line to 63rd and Cottage
Grove—a locale described by one dissatisfied customer as “a hellscape beyond anything Dante ever imagined.”
According to SADDD, in the
course of the five block walk from this
station to campus, 64% of unwitting firsttime visitors are mugged, 31% severely
beaten, and 7% mowed down in a hail
of gunfire. 100% report psychologically
traumatic feelings of unease.
“You think of Google maps as dependable,” testified one of SADDD’s 26
tearful, bullet-ridden witnesses. “They’re
well-designed, attractively laid out, easy to
use. The top of the page is always north.
I… I trusted them.”
Unfortunately for Google, its
main character witness, a South Side
resident and Green Line station regular named Dwight “Suckerpunch” Jones,
proved unsympathetic.
Volume 6, Issue 2
Page 3
How We Avoid Real Writing, Exibit 453.5A
I Forgot
What I
was Going
to Write
Professor is
Baron Cohen
By Leland Zhi
Professor Stern’s Jewish History and Society class became much more
Nobel, from p1
FOX News host Glenn Beck told viewers that “This is some grade-A BS. That’s
what it is...she only bought eight pizzas.
The other two were pizza subs – and I’m
sorry, my friends, I mean listen, a pizza
sub is not a pizza. Not in America.” Conservative activist and lawyer Orly Taitz
questioned the legitimacy of the award,
saying on her website that “We don’t
By Patricia Lincoln
Oh frick! I just forgot what I
was going to write about. Gosh darn it.
I just wrote the title—and now I completely forgot what I was going to write.
I can’t believe this. Fiddlesticks! How
could I just forget? I was sitting down
to write a paper, and now I don’t know
what I’m writing anymore. Dang nabbit.
I never thought this would happen to me. Not me—good-doing, God
fearing, kosher-eating me. I tutor abandoned kittens on the weekend. I eat all
my vegetables—even tomatoes, even
though they’re a fruit. I do everything
right, yet I can’t remember what I was
writing about. Jiminy Christmas!
Maybe if I think really hard, just
close my eyes really tight and think really hard, I can remember. Um…let’s see…
fudge nuts! Wait, nuts…food…I think
it was something about meatballs. No
wait—my Grandpa Charlie! No wait…
oh, son of a biscuit-eating bulldog—I
can’t remember! Jeez Louise. Oh, I remember! It was about Grandpa Charlie’s
meatballs. No, that doesn’t sound right.
Good golly miss Molly! This is ridiculous. This is blasphemy! This can’t be
Oh, I wrote the title already!
Maybe that will help me remember
what I was going to write about…What
the flibbergibbit?! What the fire truck
does that mean? What was a I thinking?!
I have no feather-plucking idea what I
was going to write about.
Shittake mushrooms! Maybe if
I do some brain exercises I’ll remember. Or stand on my head. Or eat platypus fat. I heard it makes your memory
better. Maybe I can get a hypnotist to
hypnotize me and then go back into my
memory. Maybe I can build a time machine and go back in time and then I’ll
know what I was going to write. Great
balls of the saints I can’t believe I can’t
Maybe if I…Oh fuck it.
interesting last week when second-year
Todd Mazer realized that his professor
may, in fact, be British comedian-actor
Sacha Baron Cohen.
“Initially, I thought I was in
one of your run-of-the-mill Jewish Studies classes,” explained Mazer to reporters. “But there was something about
the look of the professor—the way his
suits were too big, the funny accent he
had, the many questions he asked. It just
didn’t feel right.
“And then it hit me,” said Mazer, asking for a high five in a weak imitation of Borat.
Although absolutely certain
that his suspicions were correct, Mazer
nonetheless had a hard time gathering
any evidence to support his claim. “I
started with the facts. I knew my professor was white, like Cohen....but that
was about it.” Analysis of his professor’s
nose and facial structure was fruitless,
since the only place he could look without being noticed was from his lecture
hall seat all the way in the back.
Several eyewitnesses report
seeing Mazer get up and make for the
door in the middle of Friday’s lecture,
apparently to go to the bathroom, when
suddenly he sprinted towards the proSee Professor, p5
know she even bought those pizzas. We
have no proof - why can’t Malia Obama
produce a receipt?”
First Lady Michelle Obama announced that she will take her daughter
to the 14th and K Street Nobel’s franchise within the next few weeks to accept the award. Malia will not prepare
anacceptance speech.
Ms. Obama has not decided on
which pizza she wants as her reward, but
political analysts agree that one thing is
certain - it won’t have onions on it, because they are “so disgusting and gross.”
In related news, The White
House announced yesterday that Malia’s
younger sister, Sasha, had been awarded
the 2009 Alfred Nobel Memorial Prize
in Chemistry for her pioneering work on
chirally catalyzed hydrogenation surface
Using the Shady Dealer as a tissue will stop swine flu, but give you cancer
Volume 6, Issue 2
Page 4
Give Me Liberty, or Give Me Lung Cancer!
These Tobacco
Prices are
Making it
Impossible for
Me to Kill
By Byron Jones
you been
in the convenience
s t o r e
have never
in my life
seen cigarette prices so high.
Seven Dol-
Continues Work
on “Mansueto
Hole to China”
By Keith Jamieson
CHICAGO, IL – The University of Chicago announced another milestone in its long-awaited Joe and Rika
Mansueto Hole to China. On Wednesday, the U of C News Office informed
the press that it had successfully passed
through the Earth’s crust and reached
the upper mantle. According to Roger
White, head contractor, “At current
pace, our drills should reach the viscous portion of the mantle within a few
months. After that, it’s a mere matter of
getting the machines through the liquid
outer core before we can begin ascending toward the Chinese antipode.”
lars for a pack? Are you kidding me? I’ve
been smoking since I was fifteen, but
these exorbitant fees might just drive
me to quit. This is an outrage! We have
to find a way to bring these prices down,
because Byron Jones only wants one
thing: to kill himself slowly, inevitably,
and affordably.
Is that too much to ask?
I know what you’re going to
say, because I hear it every day. “Byron,
if cigarettes are so expensive, why don’t
you quit?” And if I listened to every Tom,
Dick, and Surgeon General yapping in
my ear, I might just. Fortunately for me,
I make my own decisions! Will a child
born today ever know what it feels like to
inch himself ever closer to the grave with
every puff ? To work every day on something he loves? I bet these kids would
just take the easy way out and jump off a
cliff. But Byron Jones has never taken the
easy way out, and he never will.
My grandfather died of lung
cancer, my father died of lung cancer,
and you can bet that I’m not going to be
the weak link in that chain. Back in their
day, you could have an entire pack of cigarettes for fifty cents! You could destroy
a healthy body for pennies on the dollar, compared to today. Luckily, we have
fast food and terrible health care to help
balance the scales, but it’s still no comparison. Tobacco companies are conspiring with the government to stop us from
reaching the sweet release of death.
Hell, if it wasn’t for this price
hike, I’d probably be dead already!
With all the backlash that’s been
targeted at cigarettes the past couple decades, politicians think that taxing Byron’s slow-motion suicide is an easy way
to make a buck. They raised the price of
tobacco so high, I’ve had to cut down to
two packs a day! I’m breathing easier, I
have more physical endurance, I’ve never been healthier. This is unacceptable!
When are the Washington big-wigs going to understand that giving ourselves
inoperable lung cancer is one of our inalienable rights as American citizens?
Our only recourse is to make ourselves
known at the ballot box.
If we’re still alive, that is.
The China Portal is the most recent example of a long history of innerEarth construction projects undertaken
by the University of Chicago. Founded
in 1892 by John D. Rockefeller with a
mandate to find Atlantis, the University
suffered an existential crisis in 1923 when
it was discovered that Atlantis did not
exist.In the years since, the University
has become a leader in the large-construction field, with efforts that include
the Los Angeles – Singapore Bridge, the
Mexican International Space Station,
and Mount Everest.
“I guess it would improve the
quality of the Chinese food around
here,” says first-year Jon Lee. “Especially
those lukewarm Chinese buns. Then
again, on the other hand I’m already paying $50,000 in tuition, and they’re really
behind on the space elevator.”
Critics of the project point to
the failure of the university’s last attempt
to dig a China Portal, which accidentally
opened a hotspot in the Earth’s mantle
and necessitated the 2001 creation of
the Max Palevsky Geothermal Con-
tainment Center. And some conspiracy
theorists on campus deny that the hole
is even intended to be used as a tunnel,
instead claiming that it is a massive satellite dish intended for communication
with alien life, an attempt to destroy the
Earth with red matter, or, in one of the
more ludicrous theories, an underground
library where books will be fetched from
subterranean stacks by robots.
Poe-Themed Frat
Party Goes Horribly Wrong
By Aaron Horton
PSI UPSILON- In what has been considered the biggest party-theme related
disaster since the infamous “Straight
Thuggin’” party of 2005, University fraternity Psi Upsilon hosted a party based
on the poems and short stories of horSee Poe, p8
Is naming a Frat Delta Epsilon the limit of all math puns?
Volume 6, Issue 2
Page 5
Obama Girl’s Got Nothing on Our Pinning!
Obama has yet
to Return U
of C’s Phone
Obama in July 2008, to tell him he forgot
a toothbrush, some mouthwash, and a
pair of socks on campus. He said that he
would “stop by” the next time he was in
Chicago. After a few weeks, the University called him again, leaving a voicemail.
He has yet to pick up his possessions or
By Sam Spiegel
It has been nearly one year since
Barack Obama was elected president of
the United States, and longer still since
he began his campaign. However, according to internal memos, he still has not returned any of the University of Chicago’s
calls, texts, or Facebook posts.
In a recent press conference,
University President Zimmer explained
that “[The University is] confident that
Barack has not forgotten about us now
that he is an international superstar. We
shared a special relationship”
According to administration
sources, The University last spoke to
Professor, from p3
fessor and began to try and pull off
what he believed was a wig. This event,
along with the tackling and subduing
of Mazer by several classmates, were
all caught on a hidden camera Mazer
had planted in his bag with the intent
of posting the video on Youtube. As of
now, the video has over 500,000 hits.
Cohen himself was not available for comment.
Chicago Loses
Bid for 2016 Special Olympics
By Etan Heller
COPENHAGEN, Denmark In a shocking upset, Chicago was eliminated in the first round of voting yesterday in the competition to host the 2016
Special Olympics, the international athletic competition for the handicapped
The only evidence of Barack’s
existence at the U of C
return that phone call.
When asked if he thought it was
and disabled. The campaign for the selection
of the city has been going on for months,
costing millions of dollars in advertisements, urban renewal projects, and
“anonymous” donations to the members
of the Committee for the Selection of a
Special City.
President Obama was also enlisted in a last-minute attempt to try to
win the Games for the city. However,
many who were interviewed complained
that his speech on national television
supporting the city for selection had “too
many long words.” Other respondents
were distracted by the shiny flag pole in
the background. Still more interviewees
expressed interest in McDonald’s for
When asked for a comment on
the Windy City’s disappointment as a
contender for the games, Mayor Daley
exclaimed, “This is a terrible shock. I
mean, first the real Olympics and now
this? The Special Olympics committee
members must have been retarded to allow this to happen.”
too soon to call Obama again, Dean John
Boyer replied, “He’s a really busy guy. I’m
sure he’s gonna call us back. We’ve been
really busy too - we prolly just missed his
call or somethin’, right? Do you think he
lost our number? Should we call him to
make sure he has our number?”
In addition to the voicemail, the
University, i.e. Robert Zimmer, also sent
Obama a text message last fall, which he
also did not respond to. President Zimmer refused to comment on this, but
according to an inside source, the text
read, “I just saw a Pepsi ad and thought
of you lol.”
Sheila Newman, author of Relationships and You: So You Think You
Can Make Him a Better Man, also commented on the situation the University
has with Obama. “UChicago is just acting too needy. It’s a turn-off. She has to
act confident with an air of ‘If you don’t
want me, I don’t want you.’”
The University plans on waiting another week to see if he’ll call. After
that, experts predict that they will send
another envelope to the White House
with a lock of grass from the Quads.
Thank Your EqualOppertunity Act!
Dealer Exclusive!
“My Face is up
Here” T-Shirt– IN
Volume 6, Issue 2
It’s a bird . . . It’s a plane . . . It’s Balloon Boy! And Dick Cheney shot him down!
Page 6
South Campus: The Central African Republic of UChicago
Doc Films
Launches Late
Night “Cock
Films” Series
By Stephen Lurie
David Levari of Doc Films announced Sunday that Doc would step
in to uncharted territory by opening a
new branch of films every night after
midnight: Cock Films. According to the
announcement, viewers will be able to
“experience an opening night ménage-atrois of hot flicks on Friday night at Max
Palevsky Cinema.”
There is already quite a buzz
around the new subject matter from the
stalwart campus moviegoers. Ever-hopeful second-year Jonathan Davis remarks,
“Maybe this way my roommate won’t
masturbate on the top bunk as much.”
As of yet, the University administration has not responded. However,
an inside source told The Shady Dealer
that at least four faculty members have
bought Cock Films season passes, also
known as Dick Tix, as of the new announcement citing “sociological studies”
as a main motive.
Offerings for the first series include Hard Core Bio, Invisible Hands, and
I Tested in to Honors Analysis, Will You Sleep
With Me? In typical U of C fashion, Cock
Films will include a post-show discussion
with Arnold Davidson, a premier scholar
on Foucault and the History of Sexuality.
Next Issue: Mysterious
Serial Tree Tipper
Russel South
South Campus
By DJ LoBraico
The University hosted the muchanticipated grand opening of the new
South Campus Residence Hall this past
weekend, offering tours of the complex
as well as the free food and refreshments
compulsory in any attempt to lure people
across the Midway. In a pleasant and previously unannounced turn of events, attendees were finally able to hear from and
meet the mysterious Russell H. South, the
extremely wealthy but extremely modest
benefactor of the new building. Speaking of his namesake during the ceremony,
South said he was exceedingly satisfied to
with the way the dormitory came out and
that he “really enjoyed the violent clash of
the modernist design [of the new dorm]
with the traditional Neo-Gothic design
of most of the University’s other buildings.”
Immediately after the ceremony
was concluded, just over eight hundred
very cold and very tired students rushed
into the building, more than ready to
move in after spending over three weeks
sleeping on sidewalks and park benches
in the Woodlawn/Midway neighborhood.
The verdict is still out on what the new
residents were most looking forward to
after what the University has termed their
“month-long research study into rugged
individualism and the twenty-first century welfare state.”
Some, like Ron Calway, were eagerly anticipating a drink of water. His
voice barely intelligible due to severe
dehydration, Calway appeared to mouth
“Please, I’m thirsty, what floor is the nearest water fountain on?” through an interpreter. Others awaited a hearty Aramarkprepared meal. One student was heard
begging Dean Boyer to open the dining
hall before next weekend’s dining hall
grand opening. Boyer, nibbling on a complimentary brownie, had no comment at
press time.
Volume 6, Issue 2
The Shady Dealer is legal tender if marinated in the sweat of lawyers
Page 7
Have a Cookie. No, Have Two. EAT, DAMMIT, SWEETIE!
Your Grandma
Becomes Head
of Campus
D i n i n g : “A l l
You Care to
Eat” Becomes
“All You Should
you care to eat” dining policy to “all you
should eat.” Students eating in the dining
halls will now be required to eat as much
By Danya R. Lagos
BARTLETT – As the academic
year began, your grandmother was appointed head of Campus Dining at the
University of Chicago. Her first move
was to change the new universal “all
Student Defeats
Entire Karate
“Do you feel full. Well, do ya, punk?
as humanly possible at every meal.
cowardly as to cringe before the Student
Activities Director.”
“Each one of us stood ready to
defend the honor of the club from this
brazen lout,” said the spokesman. “One
by one, all, even Winston-sensei, were
By David Ramsey
An unidentified member of the
Shotokan Karate Club has confirmed
rumors that every single member of the
club was defeated last Wednesday by 3rd
year transfer student Tyler “Swooping
Eagle” Jenkins.
According to the spokesman,
Jenkins was witnessed by vice president
Kyrie Felio taking down Shotokan Karate fliers in the Reynolds Club. When
confronted, he replied that the fliers
would be returned on the condition that
any member of the club “defeat [him] in
honorable combat, lest [they] be dogs so
Tyler, captured on film during a SOSC
discussion section
brought to their inees. How dare he call
such display ‘honorable combat’? Even
the white belts he struck down mercilessly. For what purpose, I ask you?
What sort of demon is this Swooping
“When my grandbaby came
here to the University in his first year,
when he came back for Thanksgiving he
was so, so, skinny!” remarked your grandmother with a look of bewilderment in
her eyes. “He looked like he could fall
over any minute. That is when I decided
to apply to head Campus Dining, so that
he would never have to worry about food
Your grandmother has hired a
staff of over one hundred seventy year
old women to stand at the side of each
table and make sure that students eat to
the point of satiety. Additional responsibilities will include walking around with
a casserole dish to fill plates once they
are one third finished, cleaning students’
faces with spit-covered thumbs, and of
course, making sure to ladle a hearty
serving of guilt with each meal.
According to her press release,
your grandmother will be continuing
the long-standing Campus Dining tradition of letting you have cookies and ice
cream, even if your parents didn’t say it
was okay.
After the Jujitsu and Hwa Rang
Do clubs, this marks the third martial
arts RSO to be so defeated by Jenkins.
The reaction among the UChicago martial arts community has been intense,
with five oaths of revenge and three
seppuku attempts reported as of press
Said David Mahoney of the Hwa
Rang Do club, “I shamefully admit
that I had been detained from the
meeting due to my sworn duties
as a residential assistant. When
at last I arrived, I found them all
standing about in a daze, mere
shadows of the men and women
they once were. Does this Swooping Eagle think he has won yet?
Even if I am the only one left, the
Hwa Rang Do Club will stand tall
and proud until every last one of us is
brought to the ground.”
When questioned, Jenkins said
that he planned next to challenge the
Traditional Karate Club. “I hear they
have an old man as their master. How
tough could he be?”
Volume 6, Issue 2
You’ve actually read the last page. What does that say about your failure as a person?
Page 8
By Lake Park Walk
Think not that I
fail to see you standing – nay, trembling
– beneath the Metra
tracks, dear friend.
Traffic, whizzing by
before and beside
you, strikes a terror
in your heart! And
above, the steady
dripping of some unGodly liquid renders
steady pat-pat on your
once-dry head. Not to mention there are probably rats.
But cower no more in terror, let not the splashing of
gutter-water deter your progress. Listen, instead, to the dolcet
sounds of my voice: Walk Sign, Lake Park. How warmly do I
recognize the gleam of desire in your face, the heavy longing to
set foot inside of Walgreens after blocks of icy trekking! Again,
I implore you, to hear my words: Walk Sign, Lake Park.
How it breaks my tender heart to see you hesitate, looking both ways up and down the street, as though I would entreat to steer you into danger. Have faith! No leftward-turning
late-comer to the intersection will I allow to upset your gentle
step. If you doubt my words, feel free to judge them against
the traffic signals, if you must. But if in you there is left even a
kernel of belief, then I will say it once again: Walk Sign, Lake
Walk Sign, Lake Park.
Walk Sign, Lake Park.
Ah, there you go. See how easy that was?
From Poe, p4
ror author Edgar Allan Poe last weekend. The party, which
featured one full unkindness of ravens and two beating hearts
underneath the fraternity floorboards, was well attended, but
not well reviewed.
“I’d never read any of Poe’s work,” remarked Simon
By Fifty-Fifth Street
Walk Sign
Girl, let me unload
some truth on you. I
want you to know I
been studyin’ you for
hours across this fine
avenue. I just want
a chance to get to
know you, know what
I mean? I want a shot
at that fine set of legs
making its fine way
over to this pole I’m stuck on. If you take my meaning. If you
take. My. Meaning.
I got nothin’ else in this world but the sight of your glorious thighs making their way down the block. I try to say something. I try to say, girl, “Why don’t you stick around?” or “Hey
baby, what’s your sign?” or “If I told you that you had a beautiful
body, could you hold it against me?” But every damn time I try,
I guess I’m nervous. I spend a lot of time by myself or with
crazy homeless people or high kids getting munchies at Walgreens, know what I mean. Sometimes I wonder myself what
exists across that goddam beautiful boulevard. Sometimes I get
so excited thinking about it that I start to — WALK SIGN,
See, there you go. Girl, take pity, baby. I got a speech impediment. All I can fucking say is “WALK SIGN, FIFTY FIFTH
STREET.” But I plead the FIFTY FIFTH’, when it comes to
staring at your goddamn gorgeous face, like DAMN, I lose it.
But here I am. Stuck in my god-damn shell. Baby, I know you
hear me but I don’t know if you’re actually ever gonna notice
But GOD-DAMN! You blind girls are hot.
Cutler, a first year in the college. “But since I went to that party,
I’ve been thinking of nothing but the slow, inevitable march of
death towards us all.”
According to eyewitness reports, the party came to
an abrupt end when the frat house came crashing down unexpectedly. Since the party’s end, 67% of attendees have reported
symptoms of tuberculosis.
The fraternity president could not be reached for
comment, as he had been walled into a wine cellar by a political rival.